DASH must be compulsory

As a survivor of domestic abuse I feel DASH should be compulsory. 

DASH was designed because Conclusions from many domestic homicides and serious case reviews showed:

 

  • lack of understanding and training regarding risk identification, assessment and management
  • insufficient risk identification, assessment and management
  • insufficient information sharing
  • failure to manage the intelligence
  • failure to make the links across public protection and serial offending.

However, today in 2014 we are still seeing numerous victims and survivors killed by this epidemic known as domestic abuse.

 

So many victims are being let down by agencies and professional that they are rapidly losing faith in them and we will have statistics showing us that domestic abuse Police calls are down, but it won’t because perpetrators are no longer abusing them but simply because victims won’t have the confidence or faith to speak out.

 

Victims are tiresome of listening to, we are learning from this, you can’t keep saying that where people’s lives are in your hands; we live in a society where there is so much blood on people’s hands, it is so very, very sad.

 

How on earth can professional have a lack of understand and training, regarding risk identification, assessment and management?  My question is, why are they in this job without the basic skills?  How can they protect victims without training and ongoing training?  It is absolutely ludicrous.

 

All agencies and profession must have the common sense to share information, surely?  How can such vital information be kept so close to your chest?  Lives are at risk here and then when it’s too late we hear the same old scenario, we are sorry it has happened, we will learn from this, but the sad reality of life is, you don’t!  You don’t learn from and you think an apology cuts it, it doesn’t!

 

How can victims families have closure on their lost son or daughter’s life.  How? 

 

It seems to me that we live in a society where the perpetrator can do what they want but when the victim finds the courage to speak out, they get blamed for it.

 

I believe that DASH should be compulsory through out all Police Forces so at least they are all singing from the same hymn sheet.  Far too many victims are being let down and this could help close the gap and give the victims what they way.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10664213/Report-puts-10000-women-and-children-at-risk-of-death-or-injury.html

 

This figure doesn’t include those victims that suffer silently behind closed doors, and I believe that we will never know the true number of how many people, men and women suffer domestic abuse at the hands of their perpetrators.

 

I agree that the Police are making many mistakes in not protecting victims, many perpetrators are well known to the Police yet they are allowed to carry out verbal death threats without the Police intervening and then, it’s too late.

 

CPS are letting many victims down too, and with all due respect, most of it is common sense; high risk victims certainly are not made to be a priority, they are hugely let down and then people still ask that old chestnut, why don’t you just leave.  Now can you see why they can’t? 

 

High risk victims must be given high risk protection, no matter what.  It is common sense to me, punish the perpetrator give Justice to the victim.

DASH must become compulsory

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As a survivor of domestic abuse I feel DASH should be compulsory. 

DASH was designed because Conclusions from many domestic homicides and serious case reviews showed:

 

  • lack of understanding and training regarding risk identification, assessment and management
  • insufficient risk identification, assessment and management
  • insufficient information sharing
  • failure to manage the intelligence
  • failure to make the links across public protection and serial offending.

However, today in 2014 we are still seeing numerous victims and survivors killed by this epidemic known as domestic abuse.

 

So many victims are being let down by agencies and professional that they are rapidly losing faith in them and we will have statistics showing us that domestic abuse Police calls are down, but it won’t because perpetrators are no longer abusing them but simply because victims won’t have the confidence or faith to speak out.

 

Victims are tiresome of listening to, we are learning from this, you can’t keep saying that where people’s lives are in your hands; we live in a society where there is so much blood on people’s hands, it is so very, very sad.

 

How on earth can professional have a lack of understand and training, regarding risk identification, assessment and management?  My question is, why are they in this job without the basic skills?  How can they protect victims without training and ongoing training?  It is absolutely ludicrous.

 

All agencies and profession must have the common sense to share information, surely?  How can such vital information be kept so close to your chest?  Lives are at risk here and then when it’s too late we hear the same old scenario, we are sorry it has happened, we will learn from this, but the sad reality of life is, you don’t!  You don’t learn from and you think an apology cuts it, it doesn’t!

 

How can victims families have closure on their lost son or daughter’s life.  How? 

 

It seems to me that we live in a society where the perpetrator can do what they want but when the victim finds the courage to speak out, they get blamed for it.

 

I believe that DASH should be compulsory through out all Police Forces so at least they are all singing from the same hymn sheet.  Far too many victims are being let down and this could help close the gap and give the victims what they way.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/10664213/Report-puts-10000-women-and-children-at-risk-of-death-or-injury.html

 

This figure doesn’t include those victims that suffer silently behind closed doors, and I believe that we will never know the true number of how many people, men and women suffer domestic abuse at the hands of their perpetrators.

 

I agree that the Police are making many mistakes in not protecting victims, many perpetrators are well known to the Police yet they are allowed to carry out verbal death threats without the Police intervening and then, it’s too late.

 

CPS are letting many victims down too, and with all due respect, most of it is common sense; high risk victims certainly are not made to be a priority, they are hugely let down and then people still ask that old chestnut, why don’t you just leave.  Now can you see why they can’t? 

 

High risk victims must be given high risk protection, no matter what.  It is common sense to me, punish the perpetrator give Justice to the victim.

Arguing and abuse, there is a difference

For anyone living at home caught in the middle of domestic abuse, it is extremely important to remember this is not your fault, ever. 

 

However, it is important to understand the difference between an argument and abuse.

 

An argument is really a one off event which could last a few minutes or a few days maybe, depending on what the cause of the argument is.  It is shouting, raised voices and more than likely a disagreement and neither party will give in because they are stubborn, that is an argument.

 

Sometimes we might have an argument with our friends at school, perhaps, and fall out for a day or two and then before we know it, we are friends again.  That is an argument and, I guess, part of life.  An argument is more than likely stemmed from a disagreement, part of finding your own voice and making your own opinions.

 

Abuse is very, very different.  It doesn’t last a few hours or even a couple of days, it can and it does go on for years, it is a complex cycle.  Items can be smashed and broken, clothes can be cut, shouting can be heard, breaking glass can be heard. 

 

Abuse can make the room feel cold and the environment you live in, very uncomfortable.  You might be shouted at or yell out, you could be caught in the middle of it and you might feel scared.

 

If you think abuse is happening where you live, please remember this is not your fault, it’s not because you were born, children are never to blame for things that happen in a very adult world and children should never be caught in the cross fire of domestic abuse.

 

Even though you aren’t being directly hurt by domestic abuse, you could be indirectly hurt.  You might not be able to get enough sleep ready for school the next morning because of the shouting and slamming doors.  You might not be able to concentrate at school the next morning because you are so tired.  If this type of thing is happening to you at home, it is really important to speak to someone at school about how you are feeling.  It is ok to speak out about this because it’s not your fault and it is nothing for you to feel ashamed of.

 

Domestic abuse can make you feel scared or frightened, lonely and lost; it’s a frightening cycle to be caught up in.

Love is an illusion

I was talking to someone today and he said love is an

 

 

He got me thinking. 

 

Obviously, love is the same emotion but we all experience it differently.  What love means to one person do not necessarily mean the same to another person.  How can the same emotion have so very many different means and feelings?

 

I am not sure why he said love is an illusion but what does that actually mean? 

 

  • We only see it when we want to
  • We make it into whatever we want
  • We see it but we don’t feel it
  • When we touch it, it disappears
  • Do we first have to learn what it is, to accept it
  • Love is whatever we want it to be
  • Love is not real

 

I told him the one thing victims of domestic abuse have in common is that we love our perpetrators and this one emotion, in a perpetrator’s mind, that gives them the right to abuse us and they know that more than likely we will forgive them, which in turn gives them the green light to carry on.  From a victim’s perspective, we believe them when they promise us it won’t ever happen again.  Those are broken promises, they are empty promises, they are just words perpetrators know victims want to hear and that is the only reason they say them.

 

How can love be an illusion?  It is real, surely?  I felt love for my ex partner, didn’t I?

 

I felt butterflies in my stomach when I saw him, was that love or fear? 

I couldn’t bear being apart from him for a second, was that love or they way head had brainwashed me into thinking how I couldn’t cope, live or survive without him?

I did everything I could to make him happy, including cooking and cleaning, was that love or was that him controlling me to be his maid and skivvy, whilst my life deteriorated his stayed the same.

 

How do we define the different between love and fear?  If love is an illusion does that make fear real?

 

Does that mean that all victims, male and female, live in fear from day one or does that love turn into fear over time?

 

Love is one emotion but shown in many different forms, isn’t it? My parents love me and so does Little Miss but their love would differ from a partner’s love, wouldn’t it but do we really love a partner or is it just about sex?  I kiss, hug, cuddle and hold hands with Little Miss and I love her, that’s what we do with partner’s isn’t it, but with sex thrown in?

 

So my question is, love is it an illusion?

 

 

Angry doesn’t even cut it!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-26357890

This makes me angry.  This makes my blood boil.  This is a disgrace.

Another innocent life destroyed.  Parents left without a daughter.  Children left motherless; who is to blame, the perpetrator or the people who let her down because they couldn’t do their job properly?

 

I am sick and tired of hearing, we will learn from it, significant changes have been put in place; just like perpetrators we are being told what we want to hear and not seeing changes at all.  It is a disgrace!

 

A 24 year old victim, with her whole life ahead of her cut short because agencies have let her down, but not only her, her children too.

 

Repeatedly breaking a non molestation order – erm hello – what sort of punishment is that for someone who is known to the Police? Police knowing what he is capable of doing, yet sat back and did absolutely nothing to protect her! 

 

It’s not just about prosecutions are made it’s about giving victims the support and aftercare they need, like having a Police escort to a refuge! This, to me, is just basic common sense, surely there is no training required for that?!

 

“Sincere apologises” are just a waste of air because if jobs were done correctly, gaps filled, support given, then they wouldn’t be needed to say.

 

What is a perpetrator’s punishment? I mean seriously?  So many warning signs that Police can see, especially when they are well known to them, I mean come on!  Oh have a non molestation order, but it’s ok for you to breach it because nothing will happen to you.  How utterly ridiculous!

 

A clear lack of understanding and ignorance to domestic abuse is so degrading to victims and sincerely must change now because before much longer we will be reading this story again and again. We must refuse to have blood on our hands and give all victims of domestic abuse the support and after care that really is the difference between life and death.

 

What will it take for society to understand this?!

You really never can tell

I got on the bus and sat down, two girls sat behind me, mid twenties perhaps and the thing is, we never really can tell who we will meet on the bus, what we will hear on the bus or what we will see.  It’s like a journey into the unknown.

 

The two girls were old school friends and hadn’t seen much of each other since leaving.  One girl was working and looked after her nephews a lot whilst the other girl was struggling to find work with two small children and one on the way.

 

She had been in a relationship but because he had treated her so badly she had left.  He then took her to court to get full custody of the children but he didn’t get them.

 

She is now trying to get into college to do a course that will help her become a teacher.

 

I guess it really does go to show, we really don’t know what people have been through simply but just looking at them and on the other hand it shows how common domestic abuse is in our community without us realising.

Domestic Abuse Awareness

This morning, as I was waiting for the bus outside Little Miss’ school I could see a bus stop, a bin and a telephone box, three great ways that domestic abuse (for male and female victims) awareness posters could have easily been displayed.  The benefit of this not only being outside of a school but also it was on a main road.

 

During my bus journey I spotted, buses, signs outside shops, bus depot, green cable bin, post box, dog bin, big green recycling bin (where you can donate shoes etc), 2 churches and a clinic, all perfect for putting domestic abuse awareness posters and cards of local agencies perhaps.

 

The question is, why isn’t domestic abuse advertised as much as it should be?

What is domestic abuse?

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is where a perpetrator has power and uses their control over their victim. 

 

A victim can be controlled physically, psychologically, sexually or financial.  Some victims can experience all of these issues at the same time or just one type of abuse in the relationship they are in.

 

Domestic abuse starts subtly, however, occurs over a period of time and increases in severity too.

 

Who can experience domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse knows no boundaries, anyone can become a victim.

 

It does not care if you are male, female, young, old, employed, unemployed – we have even seen famous people in the media admit to being a victim.

 

Domestic abuse happens regardless of age, gender, race, religion, sexuality, wealth or geography.

 

Can men experience domestic abuse?

Statistics show 1 in 6 men suffer domestic abuse, however, I feel that in reality we won’t know how many male victims there are.

 

I feel that there is still too much stigma attached to male victims with regard to them being the stronger sex and this is a huge barrier, preventing male victims from coming forward and speaking out.

 

Yes, there are male victims of domestic abuse.

 

Is all abuse physical?

Domestic abuse is all about power and control which is not necessarily physical.  Abuse can be psychological, sexual and financial too.

 

What are the early warning signs in an abusive relationship?

Isolation is a huge warning sign for any, male or female, victim to look out for.  A perpetrator will isolate their victim in order to carry out their abuse. 

 

Isolation, manipulation, control and jealousy are all early warning signs which often happen before the physical abuse.

 

My partner reads all of my text messages, is this normal behaviour?

Even though you are in a relationship you still need your own freedom as well as having your own life.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship so if your partner trusts you, they have absolutely no reason whosoever to read through your messages. 

 

You might find that reading through your messages it might result in accusations of an affair, being told who you can or cannot see isolation from friends and family too – this is not normal or healthy behaviour.

 

Will my perpetrator still abuse me, even though I am pregnant?

The sad reality of domestic abuse is that it does not just stop – it is a continual cycle.  Pregnant victims are more vulnerable during pregnancy.

 

Male perpetrators will become jealous of their own unborn child, jealous of the victim spending more time with the baby instead of them.  Some perpetrators will even stop their victim from breastfeeding their baby.

 

Children are often used in the complex cycle.

 

I think I am in an abusive relationship but not sure who to turn too.

Sometimes it can be difficult to admit to yourself let alone to anyone else.  However, there are people and organisations you can talk to; – Refuge, Women’s Aid, Rise, Sandwell Women’s Aid, Esteem, Hidden Hurt.

 

My partner has never physically hit me but constantly puts me down and humiliates me in from of others, am I being abused?

Domestic abuse is all about power and control, including psychological, which is sometimes more harmful than physical abuse.

 

Constant humiliation and put me downs are both ways that the perpetrator mentally abuses their victim, grinding them down, bit by bit.

 

My parents, friends and family keep telling me to leave my abusive partner, how do I explain it’s not that easy?

It is difficult for anyone who hasn’t experienced domestic abuse to understand the cycle and statistics show more deaths occur once the victim has left.

 

Do some victims provoke the abuse?

Perpetrators will often use tactics to blame their behaviour on the victim, however, the perpetrator chooses to abuse; they victim blame, but there is never an excuse for domestic abuse.

 

Does alcohol and drugs cause domestic abuse?

The only thing to cause domestic abuse is the perpetrators who are in full control of their behaviour.

 

Is domestic abuse a one off incident?

It is very rare and unusual that domestic abuse happens only once.  It is a complex cycle which increases in severity over time.

 

Can you protect victims from domestic abuse?

Education programmes, marketing and campaigners can talk about domestic abuse and what the early warning signs are, signposts to other organisations, agencies and professionals can help victims stay safe.

If you know someone experiencing domestic abuse it is important that you are there for them when they need you.

 

Why does the victim keep going back to the perpetrator?

The perpetrator still has power and control over there victim even when they have left. 

Verbal death threats will be used against the victim along with false promises of changing and never doing it again.

Self esteem, worth and confidence have all been drained from the victim and, of course, they want to believe their perpetrator because they love them, they want them to change and they want to be the one to change them.

 

Domestic abuse has no affect on the victim when they leave

Victims have been physically and mentally abused over a period of time, brainwashed – this has a huge affect on survivors and can be a barrier, stopping them moving forward in their own life.

Trusting anyone will be a huge issue for survivors as perpetrators make out everyone is bad, except them.

Domestic abuse can often make the survivor feel everyone they meet will treat them the same; they don’t.

 

I don’t understand why I am feeling all these emotions

As a survivor of domestic abuse you will feel so many different emotions and that is part of the healing process.  What you are feeling will be what other survivors are feeling too, it is normal; hurt, anger, love, frustration, lonely.

 

 

 

 

Better days are coming

The one thing that attracted me to watch this film was that how the friends of the victim were talking about her.  It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and it made me feel slightly sick in the fact that this could have been my friends, talking about me.  I guess you are so oblivious and brainwashed into thinking that your perpetrator is the only person in your life that you do seem devoted to them that to your family and friends, it does seem like you are making excuses and letting them down.

The actor in this piece behaved exactly how perpetrators do!  He has his arm over her shoulders whilst they are at the train station but the moment she talks about a girls night out, within seconds, you can see everything change; his body language, facial expressions and he removes his arm from her shoulders.  You can see it in his face, how angry he is and he hates the fact that she is going out, without him.  He uses her friends as weapons in his argument that “Chloe has a bad reputation because she sleeps around” and very quickly she thinks of her own excuses not to go, we can see he is happy with that as he puts his arm back around her shoulders. 

Back at home we can see how he puts her down because he wants sex with her, irrelevant of what she wants, victim blaming telling her how she doesn’t pay the bills trying to justify his actions of wanting sex over her coursework.. Quickly becoming very defensive and accusing her of having an affair because she wants to have sex with him using a condom.  Making her feel guilty and useless just to get what he wants, degrading her by saying, “get upstairs, do what you’re good at”.

This film is extremely realistic and I can relate to it.  It raises awareness and it is educating too.  He didn’t physically abuse her, did he?  He controlled her psychologically.  She changed her plans for him, she had unprotected sex with him and she made excuses for him, yet, her friends made out as though he was the good one and he was in the wrong; exactly what perpetrators do.  He knew that because he helped that girls mum with her shopping, that society would automatically judge him as a good guy when behind closed doors it is a very, very different story.

He didn’t physically hit her but he used his power and control over her.  She stopped seeing friends, made up excuses, changed her plans, stopped doing her uni work, hw manipulated her to get what he wanted.  He never once thought about what she wanted to do, he wasn’t bothered that she was at uni to better herself, he just saw it as an opportunity for her to cheat on him.

He quickly became defensive, accusing her of cheating on him, the reality being, he could be cheating on her but putting them blame on her so he could justify his own actions.  He, more than likely wanted her to get pregnant as that would stop her having her own independence and career, she would have to stop going to university, including the student parties.  He wasn’t bothered that he was distrupting her university work that had to be completed, like all perpetrators, he put his own wants and needs before his victim’s thinking it was his right to demand it whenever he wanted.  He showed no respect for her whatsoever.

This film shows domestic abuse is not always physical, but this manipulative and controlling behaviour is what the complex cycle is like for all victims.  This is reality, this is real life, this is happening to some right now.

Better days are coming

The one thing that attracted me to watch this film was that how the friends of the victim were talking about her.  It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and it made me feel slightly sick in the fact that this could have been my friends, talking about me.  I guess you are so oblivious and brainwashed into thinking that your perpetrator is the only person in your life that you do seem devoted to them that to your family and friends, it does seem like you are making excuses and letting them down.

The actor in this piece behaved exactly how perpetrators do!  He has his arm over her shoulders whilst they are at the train station but the moment she talks about a girls night out, within seconds, you can see everything change; his body language, facial expressions and he removes his arm from her shoulders.  You can see it in his face, how angry he is and he hates the fact that she is going out, without him.  He uses her friends as weapons in his argument that “Chloe has a bad reputation because she sleeps around” and very quickly she thinks of her own excuses not to go, we can see he is happy with that as he puts his arm back around her shoulders. 

Back at home we can see how he puts her down because he wants sex with her, irrelevant of what she wants, victim blaming telling her how she doesn’t pay the bills trying to justify his actions of wanting sex over her coursework.. Quickly becoming very defensive and accusing her of having an affair because she wants to have sex with him using a condom.  Making her feel guilty and useless just to get what he wants, degrading her by saying, “get upstairs, do what you’re good at”.

This film is extremely realistic and I can relate to it.  It raises awareness and it is educating too.  He didn’t physically abuse her, did he?  He controlled her psychologically.  She changed her plans for him, she had unprotected sex with him and she made excuses for him, yet, her friends made out as though he was the good one and he was in the wrong; exactly what perpetrators do.  He knew that because he helped that girls mum with her shopping, that society would automatically judge him as a good guy when behind closed doors it is a very, very different story.

He didn’t physically hit her but he used his power and control over her.  She stopped seeing friends, made up excuses, changed her plans, stopped doing her uni work, hw manipulated her to get what he wanted.  He never once thought about what she wanted to do, he wasn’t bothered that she was at uni to better herself, he just saw it as an opportunity for her to cheat on him.

He quickly became defensive, accusing her of cheating on him, the reality being, he could be cheating on her but putting them blame on her so he could justify his own actions.  He, more than likely wanted her to get pregnant as that would stop her having her own independence and career, she would have to stop going to university, including the student parties.  He wasn’t bothered that he was distrupting her university work that had to be completed, like all perpetrators, he put his own wants and needs before his victim’s thinking it was his right to demand it whenever he wanted.  He showed no respect for her whatsoever.

This film shows domestic abuse is not always physical, but this manipulative and controlling behaviour is what the complex cycle is like for all victims.  This is reality, this is real life, this is happening to some right now.

https://www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/david-cameron-change-the-term-domestic-violence-to-domestic-abuse