Someones son, someones daughter

As a parent we have no idea how our son or daughter will turn out as an adult. Of course, we all have aspirations for them but what will be, will be.

We can give advice and support to our children but ultimately they will do what they want to, regardless to what we say,.

Looking back on myself and now that I am a parent I can see how difficult it was for my own parents to see me suffer as a victim.

It is so difficult to want to reach out to someone you love so very much but no matter what you try, just pushes them further and further away from you. Reaching out to them but not being able to put your arms around them, pull them toward you and tell them everything is going to be ok. They have been isolated, manipulated, brainwashed into thinking they are not wanted, loved or cared for.

To watch your own child deteriorate in front of your very eyes must just be absolutely devestating. But sometimes intervenining into the relationship can make things worse for your son or daughter as a victim of domestic abuse.

I now understand how seeing me with a black eye, going to see my parents when I weighed around 5 stones must have had it’s toll on my parents at the time. But as a victim you don’t see what is happening around you because you are completely brainwased by your perpetrator. I know that is something society doesn’t understand, this is why I am a strong believer of why we must live where awareness is a must.

The complete and utter confusion is whereby victims confuse control with care. Those sugghestions made by perpetrators of staying in with me tonight rather than your friends and family is where the control first begins. This is where the psychological abuse comes into play because at that point, the perpetrator is telling the victim exactly what they wanto to hear and believe at the beginning of any relationship. The, but I wanna spend time with you and the, but no one else loves you like I( do, if you loved me you would stay and you know I would do it for you, are common controlling excuses to introduce isolation into the relationship. The perpetrator knows at this point the victim loves them and will stay with them because they are so loved up – the victim that is, not the perpetrator.

Every single day of the year throught the world somebody’s daughter and somebody’s son is a victim of domestic abuse. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men becoming a victim at some point during their lifetime.

I don’t want that somebody to be my daughter or your son and that is why awarenes is so very important and something we need to see more of.

Some children don’t have open relationships with their parents and feel they can’t talk to them about such issues as sex, relatiosnhips and domestic abuse so for a healthy balance sex and relationships must be included in sex education at school.

I don’t mean a whole focus, we need a healthy balance to include everything about relationships from the biological aspect to psychological too. Sex shouldn’t be soemthing we are frightened to speak about because that is how most of us were made in the first place! However, we need to be realistic when talking about it to the young people of our future. It is important they know about the food, the bad and everything in between.

My own personal experience of sex education that I can remember is a condom being put on a banana. I guess when talking about contraception this would prove very useful but what about everything else that goes with it such as other forms of contraception too, for example. We need to inform our young people they do have choices and what those choices are.

No one can predict the future of their son or daughter but we can inform them of things and pass on our own experiences, awareness and knowledge but without that awareness in the first place how can we do that, how can we help try and keep them safe?

Someones sone, someones daughter could be experiencing physical, psychological, sexual or financial abuse at the time the subject is brough up in the lesson, for example, and you have no idea how that will make them feel, knowing it isn’t there fault, they are not alone and there is support. It is also important young people are awawre that abuse doesn’t happen in all relationships because you might find that some victims believe this to be true. It isn’t but it is important to raise awareness so young people are aware of the early warning signs.

We have to flip the coin over too and understand that someones son, someones daughter is a perpetrator with education being prevention and with awareness of what the abuse does to a vcitim it could stop the perpetrator from abusing.

There is never, ever an excuse for abuse. the victimand the perpetrator is someones son, someones daughter and it is also important to reach out to them about the effect the complex cycle has on everyone.

I would be devestated if my daughter became either. But as a parent of a perpetrator, you would never want to admit that fact to yourself let alone anyone else. However, with domestic abuse awareness, who knows, the mum of the perpetrator might be able to make a difference to their behaviour. I say that because from personal experience, my ex perpetroatrs mum was one of the only women he truly loved and respected.

Everyday, someones son, someones daughter starts off isolated and ends up dead. Just take into consideration for a few moments, how awareness really could make a difference.

No more deception please!

A victim falls in love with the charming side of the perpetrator. Remember, when you first meet your perpetrator you have absolutely no idea they are perpetrators of domestic abuse.

Love is the most blinding emotion that is involved in an abusive relationship and a perpetrator will use this to there advantage knowing the victim is in love with them before they learn they are a victim of domesticabuse. At this point, the victim is in too deep to find a way out.

A perpetrator will only say the wods they know the victim want to hear, they just say these things, they don’t acutally mean them. Saying these words, the perpetrator knows the victim will stay and forgive them but the actions that follow tell a very different story.

Demeaning and degrading deception is not what a victim wants or needs. A victim wants to be able to chnage the perpetrator but that will never happen because the sad reality is, a perpetrator will not change unless they want too.

Perpetrators of domestic abuse frequently see themselves as victims who were forced to use violence for any number of reasons, however it is important to understand there is never any justification for domestic abuse. Ever.

A perpetrator will get the victim to share their reality. They will attempt to do so through an effective façade, minimizing or denying the abuse and abuse but at the same time they will emphasize immensley their partner’s faults by lying or omitting facts when in reality they are psychologically abusing their victim because what they are actually doing is hiding away from their own faults by victim blaming their victim.

Whilst a victim will genuinley love their perpetrator (because they fall in love with the charming side before the controlling side is released) a perpetrator will daily decieve their victim in order to gain power and control over them.

Deception involves perpetrators acting in such a way which leads their victim to believe something, that is not true. They live in a world of lies, lies that spiral out of control but are so believable that not only does their victim believe them but so does society too.

A victim doesn’t want to live with deception. They just want the perpetrator to love them how they love the perpetrator.

Perpetrators will say that they are not misleading their victim even though they are intentionally deceiving them to gain constant power and control over the victim in order for them to abuse them.

In an abusive relationship, no more deception would mean no more abuse and that is all a victim wants. To be loved, not abused.

Deception plays a huge part in the complex cycle and that is what allows a perpetrator to abuse for so long without recognition. They are clever people always in control, always calm, knowing exactly what they are doing, which buttons to press. This is where domestic abuse awareness becomes important to learn about the character of a perpetrator because they all have the same qualities. You could put all survivors of domestic abuse in one room and as soon as each one starts talking about the perpetrator that abused them, they will be describing every other perpetrator too. They all have the same mannerisms, they act in the same way, they control in the same way. With more awareness this could stop many victims from falling in love with the charmer only to be deceipted by the controller.

Deception is a trick or scheme used to get what you want that is control not care. If your partner loves you they won’t lie to you. The act of making someone believe something that is not true is what domestic abuse is all about.

“no one can make you feel inferior without your permission” Eleanor Roosevelt

Self esteem will be one of the things that your perpetrator will have completely sucked from you as a victim of domestic abuse.

As a survivor, building self esteem is not always quick or easy but it is always possible.

Stop comparing yourself to other people.

You are you. You are amazing. You are unique. There will always be someone people with more than you and some with less. Everyone will have something in life that others will envy.

Stop the critic inside you

You are a survivor that is reason enough to never put yourself down. If you catch yourself thinking critically about youself, remember and always focus on what you have achieved rather than what was.

Associate with positive and supportive people

You don’t have to live your life how your perpetrator wanted you to, you are your own person again now, meaning you can choose to spend your time with those friends that lift you up, rather than drag you down.

Be positive in what you say

Words carry power. Speak positively and you will feel positive.

Accept all compliments with a thank you

This will be something you have to get used to now! Don’t dismiss them or ignore them. You deserve them!

Start small with accomplishment tasks

Ticking something off a to do list always feels good, so all the things you weren’t allowed to do before, do.

Take action

Do something about it. It’s your life now. Don’t worry or get frustrated about the past, you will just lower your self esteem. Do something about it and raise it.

You are now a survivor, spread your wings and achieve.

All good plans take time

Many victims are isolated from friends and family and although they might want to leave, they might not know how to or which steps to take first.

Include a safety plan:-

* Birth certificate (victim, child)
* Bank credit card/book
* Medication
* List of important numbers
* Spare set of keys
* Description or a photograph of your perpetrator
* Diary/journal
* Mobile phone (new chip)
* Special toy (child)
* Spare set of clothes
* Try and keep some money aside (ready to open bank account)
* Photographs of injuries

Ask solicitor to photocopy documentation
Contact Council re housing council list/private/refuge
Budgeting loan

If possible:-

Have a spare bag and belongings with a friend or family
Work, job centre, school etc – try and explain the situation

When the time is right for you, you will be able to make your own escape plan.

You will have so many questions to ask yourself too, but that is natural, remember to take your time and work out the details.

* When to go?
* Where to go?
* Benefits/savings?

When you can safely answer these questions with positive and permanent answers, then you can make your move.

Only you will know when the time is right for you. Always plan and prepare.

Remember, all good plans take time.

victing blaming is the key element for the abusive world in which we live in

Victim blaming is like childs play, isn’t it, always someone else to blame, the perpetrator never admitting they are in the wrong or doing wrong. Instead society puts the blame on victims because it is easier that way, it doesn’t involve understanding. Victim blaming takes away the true focus off the victim and allows perpetrators to carry on abusing.

Domestic abuse is never a single event, it is usually ongoing behaviour that gets worse and more frequent over time. That is the truth and fact of domestic abuse, myths and stereotypes simply allow perpetrators to carry on abusing.

Recognition must replace blame as all victim blaming does is show a deep lack of understanding and just gives perpetrators an excuse to abuse. Victim blaming dehumanizes the victim and makes the person doing the blaming seem more like the perpetrator.

Victim blaming shows how society simply doesn’t understand the complexity of domestic abuse.

A victim is never held accountael for being a victim with many not even knowing they are being abused. How can they say no to something they don’t know is happening? Those who do victim blame are pure hypocrites, saying they don’t know what domestic abuse, they don’t understand it yet it is automatically the victims fault!

We are living in a country that simply turns a blind eye to complex situations and things they don’t understand because it is easier to victim blame instead of acknowledging.

So many victims have been let down and have no faith whatsoever thanks to victim blaming. We need to see a radical change in society’s attitude. Victim blaming just allows victims to be abused and given no Justice.

Victim blaming is just like domesticabuse, it happens every single day but falls on deaf ears and blind eyes. Victims of domestic abus should ever be shamed for doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing or wearing the wrong thing because that is not what domestic abuse is about, it is about power and control.

Domestic abuse happens because perpetrators are in power and control because we live in a victim blaming society. Even when the victim finds the courage to leave the relationship and are forced to see their perpetroat around town because they didn’t get punished, it is stillt he victims fault for not moving area. Never mind that the victim has to live, psychologically scared, as long as the perpetrator is still in power and control and our victim blaming country allows that!

Victim blaming individuals are no better than perpetrators.

The Law should continue to expect people to say no and to take responsibility for their situation – I agree becuase if perpetrators said no and took responsibility for their situation, domestic abuse wouldn’t be an epidemic! The Law must not only be aware of this cycle but understand it from the victim’s viewpoint.

Perpetrators know exactly what they are doing because that’s what makes them perpetrators, alway in control, always calm.

It is not always possible for victims to “take responsibility for their situation” because so many are unaware of the situation they are in. Many perpetrators don’t physcially abuse their victim, they are controlled in many other ways making it more difficult for them to acknowledge they are being abused.

Let’s be realistic, it’s not always possible for the Law to acknoweledge victims in abusive relationships let alone the victim!

More domestic abuse awareness must be a priority, not only to keep young people safe and show them what is acceptable and not acceptable in relationships but to reduce the number of victim blaming issues who just don’t understand the complex cycle yet feel the necessary need to judge others.

On the otherhand, we do have victims who “take responsibility for their situation” then what? Many victims are already brainwashed by the time they realise what is happening to them. It’s not easy to just leave either. No safe place, no financial stability and then when they do leave, do you seriously believe that the perpetrator will simply let them go, just like that when all perpetrators thrive on is power and control.

Victims don’t need to be blamed, it is support and aftercare they need. Victim blaming doesn’t alter the situation or change it. The reality is, victing blaming is the key element for the abusive world in which we live in.

10 non physical signs to look out for in a domestic abusive relationship

Isolation

Isolating you from friends and family

Humiliation

Constantly humiliating you in front of others, humiliating you about who you are, your appearance, what you wear, eat, say, on a daily basis

Accusations

Accusing you of having an affair

Degrading Behaviour

Constantly telling you that you are, fat, ugly, useless

Controlling behaviour

Looking through your phone at calls and messages, telling you who you can and can’t speak to or see. Stopping you from working, learning to drive, taking your own independance away from you

Manipulation

Telling you how friends and family don’t love you or care for you, how your perpetrator does. Persuading you stay with them rather than seeing friends or family.

Harassment

Constantly calling and texting your every movement and whereabout. Asking you who you have seen and what you said to them.

Stalking

Sitting outside your workplace, knowing you are at work. Waiting for you outside the pub or club you said you were going to be with friends. Being at all the places they know you go to.

Jealousy

Becoming jealous, quickly, of you spending time with others and not them.

Possessiveness

Thinking they own you and that you belong to them. Not having any trust to allow you to still have your own freedom.