Review of The Quarrell Novel by Jason Thorkwell

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Quarrel-Jason-Thorkwell-ebook/dp/B00N1Z6JLA

I have been lucky enough to have a sneak peek at this book all I can say is, go and buy it!!!

Beneath the facts is love, betrayal and hatred.  I could relate, smiled and nodded my head all the way through.  I would recommend all professionals and agencies to read this book to get an understanding of domestic abuse.  It is a helpful novel for anyone who wants to understand the complex cycle.

A novel written by a man who highlights how psychological intimidation and controlling behaviour goes largely unnoticed as a form of domestic abuse.  Also including issues such as internet trolling and how women are becoming victims of this.

“At the moment this isn’t a criminal matter.  It could still become one though and our advice we be to deactivate the account”

Buy it especially for Chapter 6 and read the last paragraph entitled THIS IS ABUSE, it will educate you.

Chapter 4

“Social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter are a breading ground for these trolls”.  How true is this!  It is something that is becoming quiet common now due to how easy it is for most people to have access to the internet.

Chapter 12

“He bombards me with phone calls, texts and emails”

Chapter 21

Character Traits were like reading about my own ex psychopath

Chapter 28

“Jealousy is by far and away the most potent and dangerous of all emotions”

This novel sends out a powerful message to the reader as well as being educating too and gives a true and realistic view of domestic abuse and a recommended read.  The author has clearly achieved their purpose of raising domestic abuse awareness in this book.  The writing is effective and powerful writing about such a sensitive issue.

This book has left me feeling that, not all men are the same and that some men do see what sort of society women live in.  There are so many significant pieces of knowledge in this book, it is fiction and real life events are included, that people are victims of every single day.

Victims of domestic abuse would be able to relate to this book and for anyone else, this book will educate and empower them.  A novel that could easily be used for professional training purposes.

We see the once-pure Alex turning into the abusive man he feared and despised and with “threatening text messages” being sent to the victim, it highlights perfectly how controlling and manipulative texts messages are and how mobile phones play a huge part in the complex cycle.

An excellent read!

According to the professionals this is not child abuse, to me it is?

https://onedrive.live.com/edit.aspx?cid=78ee34e3b3e46cdf&resid=78EE34E3B3E46CDF!183

If you click on the above link you will see an actual report of a home visit to a perpetrator’s home who has a Special Guardian Order over these children, which basically means he has overriding parental responsibility.

A child is the most precious thing that anyone can ever have in their life.  Period.  A child does not ask to be born but when they are born they need love more than anything else in the world and the need to be made feel wanted, loved and special.  However reading this short but painful report, none of these children seem to be getting any of that, do they?

Yet the professionals don’t feel the need to intervene in the situation and take these children back to where they rightfully belong, to their mum.

The first few years of any child’s life, is the most important.  They are like innocent little sponges that soak up and absorb everything that is going on around them and simply accept things as normal when they are at home, but, we can see clearly that treating the children this way is not normal or acceptable – is it?

Body language is the most honest answer a child will ever give because they don’t know how to lie they don’t know the difference between right and wrong, they don’t know that this is not the way to be treated.  Appearing upset and scared would be setting off alarm bells for me as a professional or just even using my own common sense and appearing nervous whenever a perpetrator around is a big giveaway.

So many warning signs in such a short report that I can see, yet the professionals cannot, why is this?

Can anyone else see anything wrong with how these children are being treated or is this totally acceptable behavior?

We live in a society where perpetrators don’t get punished and victims don’t get victory

This is a photograph of someones mum, daughter and sister.

As you can quite clearly see she has a black eye.

Society is now looking at this picture and is saying, well if it was that bad, she would just leave or she must have said or done something wrong or she deserved it.

Professionals and agencies are probably saying, oh it’s just another domestic or she she move or I bet she will go back.

Everyone looking at this picture is making some form of judgement of this victim.  Maybe something along the lines of, it’s only a black eye, it will fade and you are right, in time the bruising and swelling will fade but don’t be fooled into believing this victim simply “got a black eye”.

There was a build up of patters and event that occurred before this physical abuse and there will be psychological impact on this victim.

Unfortunately this isn’t the first person this has happened to nor will she be the last.  She isn’t the first person to be failed by professionals nor will she be the last.  Nor will her children.

You see, although we are in 2014 and even thought domestic abuse is a controversial issue, it is still a very taboo subject, one where people seem to want to bury their head in the sand simply because they don’t want to learn about the complex cycle.

Domestic abuse is all about power and control and perpetrators will go to any length to continually have over their victim.  It can be physical, psychological, sexual or financial but it is rarely a one off event, it starts with isolation and ends in death.

We live in a society where perpetrators don’t get punished and victims don’t get victory.

Not all domestic abuse is spouse abuse.  My friend was physically abused by her stepfather.  Her actions were simply speaking to her own children, which he has a Special Guardian Order for them, this is the consequence of speaking to her own children.

A “man” did this to his stepdaughter, in front of her children in a public place where several people had to drag him off her, yet professionals and agencies still think it is acceptable for these children to be in his care.

I, for one, think this is totally unacceptable.

I don’t think of believe for one minute he is safe to be guardian of her children or any other children for that matter.

So what were the consequences of his actions?  He got charged with a Public Order Offence and as he walked out of court, he laughed at her.

He laughed at her because he knew he got away with it, he knows he still has power and control over her and he know he can do it again and again because nothing is going to be done about it.

24th February this incident happened and on the 22nd July it was all over, just like that.

How do you think that felt for the victim?  The build up, the stress, the worry, the fear of it all just to hear her perpetrator get away with it.

What sort of message is this sending out?

And then, of course, there are the children.

Pure and innocent.

They witnessed this incident, yet professionals and agencies still think it is acceptable for him to be their guardian.

Before their mum was physically abused in front of them, they heard their grandfather verbally abuse her, including being branded a pedophile by her mother, she was shouting at her, that she had abused the children.  He then entered her personal space and was very intimidating towards her, he was pushing her further and further back with his body weight.  They saw their grandfather attack their mother, punching her repeatedly, watching as it took a number of passers by to pull him off her.  They witness all this.  Imagine the mental images and the psychological impact that this will have one them.

Yet it is still ok for him to “care” for them.

Both the victim and the perpetrator were arrested for battery.  Yes, both of them.

Words simply fail me just like professionals and agencies have left this mum and her children down.

This happens every single day and all we are hearing is that we are learning from this.  There are so many gaps to be filled in this one situation alone, yet the case has been concluded and it is absolutely acceptable for a person to do this and still have a Special Guardian Order over three innocent children, who are more thank likely scarred by this event.

Why are we still living in a society where the perpetrators needs are far greater than the victim’s and more importantly, why is nothing being done to protect children?

My friends’ pure and innocent children failed by society. Why is this allowed to happen?

This is what society thinks domestic abuse is all about.  A black eye.  Physical abuse.  They fade.  Simple as.  End of.  But domestic abuse is nothing more than a complex cycle that society doesn’t understand, unless it has been a victim itself.

But domestic abuse doesn’t only affect the victim.  We live in a society that allows children to not only become victims but to also be an excuse for domestic abuse and are used as a weapon and tool to continue the psychological abuse.

This black eye was given simply because the victim spoke to her own children.  Her stepfather did this to her.  Her children live with this perpetrator.

These are more pure and innocent children affected by domestic abuse and failed by professionals and agencies.  Please click on the link and tell me your thoughts https://onedrive.live.com/edit.aspx?cid=78ee34e3b3e46cdf&resid=78EE34E3B3E46CDF!177 thank you.

Children who have been placed with this perpetrator, placed with their Grandparents through a Special Guardianship Order.  The pure and innocent children who witnessed this assault.  The pure and innocent children that saw their Grandfather physically assault their own mother.

What impact do you think that will have on those children?

You might shrug your shoulders and say, well they weren’t physically hurt and of course you would be right but what do you think the psychological affect is on them?

What do you think when they close their eyes? What are their thoughts about their Grandfather?  What about if they think this is normal behavior and they accept it as that?

But more importantly, what happens behind closed doors to those children?

What is it like for three children to be living with a perpetrator?

I know what it’s like as an adult, it was awful so to children it must be pure torture.

We seem to live in a society that don’t follow rules and procedures, we just simply allow perpetrators to control us too.  They manipulate professionals and agencies by turning their controlling behavior into the charming behavior and they do this because we still live in a society that doesn’t understand the complex cycle.

Children are pure and innocent and are caught up in an adult world, yet those people that should be supporting them are not, they are failing them.

As a society, what can we do to change this?  To prevent this from happening again?

Why do I advocate and campaign about domestic abuse?

For almost 10 I have been a survivor of domestic abuse and for 6 of those years I have continually raised awareness. Many people, believe I do this to draw attention to myself, for the “sympathy vote” and because I haven’t got over the physical and psychological abuse I suffered for 3 years ago.
So, why do I do what I do?
As a victim I was lonely, very lonely, lost and empty. Every day I would wake up to the unknown, not knowing what would happen to me if I dared step one toe out of line or did something “he didn’t like”. I would wake up and just scrub and clean the flat in the hope it would put him in a good mood! I would try and keep myself busy throughout the whole day just to keep out of his way and to avoid confrontation.
Every belief, view and aspiration I had was drained, sucked and lost from within, domestic abuse ripped through my whole body and destroyed everything I once had and believed in, it left me with nothing.
I had never heard of domestic abuse nor any organisations such as Refuge, Women’s Aid or Rise UK but I now know if I there had been more awareness about this complex cycle and what support was available to victims, I would have spoken out a lot earlier than I did. I stayed with him for 3 years because I accepted this behaviour to be normal and I assumed it happened in all relationships and as this was my first real relationship, I had nothing to base it on. It wasn’t a case of well I wasn’t treated like this before so why am I being treated like it now it was just accepted because I didn’t know any different.
I was isolated from friends, family and life. I was a shell. I was in existence, not living.
It is important to me that others don’t suffer the way I did and I believe sharing my experience and raising awareness could help others. It’s not about telling people what to do, let’s face it perpetrators do enough of that but it’s more a case of just knowing someone understands what you are going through. It’s about knowing that you aren’t the only one who is experiencing this and that it is not your fault those are very important factors to any victim of domestic abuse to know.
With the awareness I raise people reading it know they don’t even need to contact me, they don’t need to speak to me they can just see my tweets and blogs and hopefully take from them some support and some piece of mind. I hope I can give them a little bit of reassurance too motivation that there is help out there and that they should never, ever suffer in silence.
I just want to help save lives.
I want to help get rid of the stigma attached to domestic abuse and help reduce isolation too. Domestic abuse is unacceptable controlling behaviour that no man or woman should ever have to tolerate and we should be living in a society that gives every victim the confidence to speak out.
I do what I do because this is something I didn’t have when I was a victim.
Inside I was screaming out for help, my eyes would burn into people as I looked at them in the hope they would look deep enough to see the pain and heartache I was going through, yet I never, ever had the courage to speak out. I simply carried on, accepted and normalised domestic abuse. I don’t want anyone else to be in the situation where they feel they have to do this because no one should have to do that.
We are in 2014 now and we are stilling finding this epidemic a taboo subject, something that we can sweep underneath the carpet which might help the Government save money but it certainly doesn’t help saving lives. We need to be sending a powerful message out to our young people, the people of our future that domestic abuse is not normal and should never be accepted.
Many people think and feel that domestic abuse doesn’t affect them but the sad reality is, it does.
The way the media portrays stories about the complex cycle, how the media excludes the words “domestic abuse” when telling the world about the next celebrity star who has become a victim of this epidemic – all these factors – and more, have an effect on how young people see domestic abuse. It’s not an issue that should be glamorised because domestic abuse is far from that!
I do what I do because it is an important message to get across, simple but very, very important – domestic abuse is a crime and should never, ever be tolerated yet we are still living in a society that just doesn’t seem to have that capacity to fill in those holes where all the gaps lie and until we can stand united, learn and understand the complex cycle then I will carry on doing what I am doing because as a survivor I know it’s an extremely important thing to do.
Campaigners do what they do because they are passionate about making a difference, want to motivate others and want to make a significant difference to society.

Domestic abuse is not all physical

It is a worldwide epidemic yet not everyone knows the early warning signs of domestic abuse. This complex cycle is a worldwide epidemic and goes further and deeper than physical abuse. However the issue is often overlooked, excused or denied not only by the victim but society as a general too.
Domestic abuse is completely about power and control, the perpetrator will always have control over their victim this is what they thrive on. The see nothing wrong with how they treat their victim and often continually blame their victim in order to make themselves feel better and to cloud the judgement of the victim and to allow them to continue to abuse them.
No one has the right to intimidate, hurt or abuse anyone and no one should accept this behaviour as normal because it isn’t.
The sad thing is, many people will confuse domestic abuse with love and care because it not only does the abuse happen subtly but the perpetrator is so clever in what they do and how they do it. To the outside world, to friends and family, the perpetrator will seem like the “good guy”, of course this is what makes them clever because behind closed doors their hostile behaviour will appear and they will treat their victim very, very differently.
Isolation is the main ingredient and will happen in a subtle way that is easily confused with love. Again, this is where the perpetrator is clever in the fact that at this point within the relationship they are already changing the way their partner thinks. Isolation happens without the victim really noticing but done in such a way that will make the victim feel, wanted, cared for and loved by their perpetrator, all the things needed in order to be able to abuse the victim much more easily. Also, without “interference” from the victims family and friends, they won’t be able to notice the changes in the victim, again making it easier for the perpetrator to continue to abuse them. Isolation is confused with care because the perpetrator will usually use lines such as, don’t see your friends or family today/tonight stay in with me, if you loved me you would stay with me, I would do it for you, are common and of course, the victim wants to do all they can to please and keep their perpetrator happy. Please note, however, at this point of the relationship a victim will not know they are being abused but they are, psychologically. Perpetrators will begin the complex cycle of abuse with isolation and psychological abuse because this is the type of abuse that will crush, grind down and strip down the victim completely that they will accept and think this type of behaviour is acceptable and normal in all relationships; it isn’t. Isolation is such a powerful thing.
You become a recluse, you blame yourself, you accept everything your perpetrator says because they brainwash you. Isolation allows the perpetrator to make you exist rather than live. You become a shell. You no longer think for yourself or about yourself, they become your main focus, your priority, your life.
If your partner, male or female, tries to isolate you in anyway, ask yourself, why? Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to change for anyone. You can still have friends, family and a life with your partner, they should accept you as you are.
Jealousy is also a trait of a perpetrator but again, can easily be mistaken for care rather than control. Many people will find it romantic if their partner is jealous of them speaking to other people of the opposite sex, however, it can become obsessive and very controlling to the point where just by looking at someone can cause eruptions from the perpetrator. Jealousy turns into possessiveness and that is control, not care.
If your partner, male or female, is with you, they are with you, they shouldn’t feel the need to be jealous. Being jealous can boil down to their own insecurities but again, with perpetrators being clever they blame the victim for their actions.
I remember when I was with my ex perpetrator, he would often flirt right in front of me and I tolerated it, yet I remember looking at a guy who walked into the pub, I never even spoke to him and my ex perpetrator verbally abused me just for looking at someone of the opposite sex.
Controlling behaviour is also a warning sign but could, again, be easily mistaken for care. Controlling behaviour are things such as being told what not to wear, who not to speak to, how to spend your money. It could start subtly, but leads to controlling behaviour.
Perpetrators often hide behind a status, such as doing odd jobs for neighbours, being seen as a good pillar of the community, the one who helps everyone out, the one who works hard. However, behind closed doors, they are completely different, very Jekyll and Hyde character.
This type of behaviour will happen within an abusive relationship long before the physical abuse begins and this is what makes it more difficult for victims to learn that they are being abused. The psychological abuse makes it much more difficult to “just leave” because they have been brainwashed completely before being physically abused.
Domestic abuse is a complex cycle all about power and control whether it is physical, psychological, sexual or financial; it’s not always about physical abuse. We need to start focusing on the non visible signs of domestic abuse because they leave the most painful scars for the victim and allows the perpetrator to, literally get away with murder.

Stalking is not romantic. Stalking is not love. Stalking kills.

Stalking is not romantic. Stalking is not love. Stalking kills.

That is the bottom line.

When society talks about domestic abuse it often focuses wholly on physical abuse and not the bigger picture, which then allows perpetrators to, literally, get away with murder.

Stalking is about perpetrators not being able to deal with rejection, it’s about them losing the power and control over their victim. It’s about the perpetrator hating the fact that the victim no longer wants to be with them or continue to accept their behaviour. It’s about victims doing the one thing that perpetrators don’t want them to do, survive without them.

Stalking isn’t about care, it’s about control.

It’s about the perpetrator having to know exactly who the victim is with, what they are doing and who they are doing it with.

Stalking isn’t about care, it’s about control, it’s an unwanted obsessive attention – notice the word unwanted. It’s not what the victim wants but what the perpetrator wants; perpetrators never think about the victims wants or needs, only their own.

Stalking is not just following the victim around, it can also include, sending gifts, damaging property, threatning text messages, persistent behaviour causing the victim fear. It’s not care it’s control and this controlling behaviour can go on for years; just imagine the psychological impact that will have on a victim. A victim who is still frightened and intimidated by their EX perpetrator, someone who may still feel vulnerable by them, a victim who is trying to get on with their own life is persistently being stalked by the perpetrator.

Living day to day in fear, not really knowing what will happen next, what move the perpetrator will take yet the issue of stalking not quiet being taken seriously and with no one to talk to who thinks it’s a serious as it really is, to talk to. Trying to cope with a stalker after experiencing domestic abuse with the perpetrator must be mind blowingly scary, more so because the victim knows exactly what the perpetrator is capable of.

But again, stalking is just one part of the cycle that society doesn’t see let alone understand. The dangers of stalking are not understood. It is a fearful part of the cycle, more so than the physical abuse a victim will endure on a day to day basis, yet it’s still not taken seriously enough.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-28390289

Mr and Mrs Clough only know too well the dangers of stalking. And they are spreading the message far and wide of how serious it actually is and I agree with them.

I wasn’t stalked, however, I remember whenever I even saw my perpetrator after I left him would leave me literally trembling and on many ocassions I would physically we myself because I was petrified of my EX perpetrator and I knew what he was capable of.

I agree that stalking should be taken much more seriously and laws used in such a way that it protects the victim not take them away from their family.

There is nothing sexist about domestic abuse

I remember, as a child growing up, my dad was always the one who never cried, never showed emotion and was always strong. I guess, you could say I thought nothing or no one could or would ever hurt him.

Then I grew up.

Today we live in a society where society thinks that is how men are percieved, as the masculine ones, they are seen in that light, the matcho type, the stronger sex yet, the reality is, domestic abuse doesn’t care about that.

Male victims of domestic abuse is seen as a joke, a laugh, funny – to society that is, not to the victim and yet, the society still wants to know why we “don’t talk about male victims of domestic abuse” when society is to blame.

Ridicule, attitude and a pure lack of understanding does not give confidence to any male victim to speak out. It takes courage to speak out. To speak out means the victim needs support not to be treated in exactly the same way as their perpetrator treats them.

Domestic abuse knows no boundaries, yet we still see this as a taboo subject even though the number of male victims is on the rise. We need to be focusing on the issue not the gender of the victim. Domestic abuse is a complex cycle that treats all victims in exactly the same way. All the warning signs of isolation, control, manipulation, jealousy, possessiveness are there, just the same as when the victim is a woman.

Women can have a violent past and history too, women can be controlling, manipulative and powerful, women can be perpetrators but yet it is still not seen as “serious enough”. People snigger and laugh, yet it is just as deadly as domestic abuse against women.

I strongly believe we need to focus on domestic abuse, power and control, not the gender of the victim. That could be one way for male victims to speak out because anyone who has been affected by domestic abuse, certainly knows it’s no laughing matter.

Domestic abuse is a crime irrelevant of whether the victim is male or female, so all perpetrators must be punished (I use that term loosley, we all know why) for committing the crime.

Does this rise in male victims of domestic abuse mean that there are men who are coming forward and speaking out about this awful crime or are guys simply forgotten about?

When I raise awareness about domestic abuse I raise that awareness for *anyone* who is affected by domestic abuse irrelevant of gender, age, race, nationality because domestic abuse is a world wide epidemic and *all* victims need support but more than that they need the confidence to speak out against the abuse. Anyone who has been affected by domestic abuse will know how very difficult that is, yet for a man it is going to be harder to do so because of the stereotypical attitude of society.

We know that women and children are at a higher risk where domestic abuse is concerned and statitstics will show us that, however, we still need to include male victims in this scenario because there is nothing sexist about domestic abuse.

The cycle is the same. The fear. The intimidation. The guilt. The humiliation.

I remember a male confiding in me that he was once a victim of domestic abuse.

At that moment he told me, inside I felt a wave of emotions. Proud, I guess, that he felt he could open up to me and that he had the courage to tell a woman of his experience.

He was a tall man, stocky, but the look on his face as he uttered those words were shame, guilt and sadness. Yet he was the victim.

I remember him telling me, but I was always brought up never to hit a woman and she knew that. That was her power and control over him. She knew that she could do whatever she wanted to do to him because he would never, ever do anything back to him.

He kept repeating, I never hit her back, never, not once.

He had found the courage and strength to speak out but unfortunately the Police were less than helpful but he managed to leave the abusive relationship.

Yet, when he told me, I didn’t see him as a weak person, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t find it funny, I found it sad and upsetting, the way I do when women tell me of their experience too. I am glad he confided in me but his courage was too late. He probably suffered, the way female victims do, in silence too long, knowing no one would believe him anyway.

I feel it is vitally important that awareness is raised with regard to domestic abuse because it might just give that dad, son or brother the confidence to speak out and understand, domestic abuse not their fault.

EX does not mean that the abuse simply ends!

The media is such a powerful thing, isn’t it and can be useful if used in the right way, yet I fear it isn’t. Which is quiet sad really.

Throughout the media we see many different stories and often through those stories we see a pattern. One pattern that I often see is one of EX perpetrators killing victims who have found the stregth and courage to not only leave the abusive relationship they were once in but to also live their life without them, something all perpetrators tell their victims they will never be capable of doing.

I see this pattern a lot. Too much infact. Yet I feel that I am the only person in the world who sees this common pattern because it keeps on reoccuring and constantly happening, we just do not seem to be learning from any failings or gaps whatsoever and the number of injuries and deaths simply seem to be increasing.

Surely there is something that can be put in place to stop this from happening before it gets too far?

http://www.expressandstar.com/news/local-news/2014/09/22/machete-man-gets-restraining-order/

I recently saw this article and siged. Deeply. Very deeply. I felt anger swirl around the inside of me as I let out a gasp of air and that was just from reading the very first paragraph.

There is that word again. Ex. I don’t like seeing it in the media, just as much as the ex doesn’t like being the ex and how they just don’t know how to cope with rejection.

I try and avoid the title of Machete man gets restraining order because that certainly does make my blood boil.

Read that title. Read it again. And now, please, re-read it.

What a strong and powerful message that sends out to all perpetrators, this behaviour is ok, it’s acceptable and you can get away with this type of behaviour and to all the victims it screams out, we really don’t care about you, what did happen, what could have happened or the psychological affects this incident has on you.

Yay, well done for that!

Then as we scroll further down we get the sympathy vote for the perpetrator; He is a young man who has regularly in the past self-harmed and clearly struggles to deal with emotional problems in a proper and healthy way. And, yes, I am still scrolling down to see about the empathy the victim needs and, of course, there isn’t any because we live in a society that thinks she doesn’t deserve or need any. And then, I read the last sentence and I smile, a small one to begin with and then a bigger one because I just don’t believe it.

As someone who had a non molestation order against my ex perpetrator, I know that if the order is broken, the perpetrator won’t immediately go to prision how that remark suggests he will, which just gives false hope to the victim.

This perpetrator who thankfully hasn’t killed his ex partner but could very easily have done so, was handed an 18-month jail term, suspended for two years, and was also given a two-year supervision order. Does that mean someone will watch his every move? Does that mean someone will protect and look out for the victim or does that simply mean that it sounds good on paper but until the victim is dead, nothing really will be done?

The point I am trying to make is, when society screams out, why don’t you just leave, the media portrays how it is simply not that easy to do so and when the victim does leave, this type of thing happens and it also shows that the abuse doesn’t just stop when the victim does leave.

Unfortunately the media never includes the word domestic abuse nor does it offer any support guidance let alone contact details for any victims who might be reading the article, which is such as shame.

But at what point has “things gone too far” before anything can be done? This victim, funnily enough, was lucky, many other victims are not. For me, this was far enough yet there doesn’t seem to be any strong punishment put in place against the perpetrator, does there and I fear it simply won’t prevent him from contacting the victim again and things spiralling way out of control.

I just feel we live in a society where we can quiet clearly see the pattern here, yet we still don’t seem to be learning by them, do we.

Domestic abuse made me focus on my family and I’m proud to be a single mom

Someone sent me this link http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/06/22/opinion/sunday/domestic-violence-and-two-parent-households.html?_r=0

We can’t help who we fall in love with and if truth be known, we don’t really find out about a person until it is too late.

Things happen in life whereby we meet people, form friendships, get to know them, fall in love or sometimes we meet people, things happen and you end up in a relationship.

For me, before domestic abuse, I wasn’t a motherly person whatsoever, with no maternal bone in my body at all. I was a career woman. I was always suited and booted, held children out in front of me in case the were sick on me. Babies, families and children were the furthest thing from my mind and that was whether I fell in love with a millionaire or not. But things happened and I met and fell in love with the wrong person and in 2005 I had a daughter.

Now I know that many people reading up to this point will be shaking their head and saying, why would you do that. The truth is, I don’t know, I thought it would make things better, afterall he did promise me he would change.

He didn’t.

I “focused on the family” by staying with him 4 months after my daughter was born in the hope, it would change his behaviour and we would all live happily ever after. But as time went on, his behaviour didn’t change, nothing about him changed, but I did. I had to. I was a mum. I had someone to protect now.

Yes, we still live in a society where stigma is attached to single mums and yes at first it hurt me, it made me think bad about myself and it made me feel as though I had done the wrong thing but you know what, 8 years on, I know I have done the right thing, not for him, not for me, not for society but for my daughter.

For me to have stayed with her biological father just to “focus on the family” would have been like me abusing her, knowing what he was capable of, how he made me feel, what he did, the things he said, I would have put her at risk and I wasn’t prepared to do that. I wasn’t prepared for her to jump, flich or cringe everytime he came into a room. I wasn’t prepared for her to hear shouting, arguing, doors slamming. I wasn’t prepared for her to see me with black eyes. I wasn’t prepared for her to live in this environment any longer than necessary.

But, on the other hand, I still wanted her to have a dad, because at the end of the day, biologically that’s what he was. I still wanted him to be part of her life. I guess, I really did want it to change him. I thought, having a daughter would but it never did.

His life didn’t change when I left him.

He still drank, he still abused his new partner, he was still a perpetrator.

So if I had stayed in that relationship with my daughter, how do you think the first few years of her life would have been? Happy? Secure? Carefree? or Sad Insecure and controlled?

What do you think her life is like now?

She is the most happiest, bubbliest and funniest little girl in the who wide world. She has a carefree attitude, a beautiful smile, she’s independent and she know her own mind.

I know, I have the reports to prove it, that Social Services would have taken my daughter away from me if I had stayed with him because not only was a risk to me he was a danger to her.

Today, all families aren’t 2.4 children with a mom and dad because life isn’t always that straightforward and at the end of the day as long as a child is loved and cared for, two parents aren’t always better than one.