Coercive Control is how domestic abuse starts

Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of power and control psychologically used against victims and often mistaken for care; it is not.

Isolation is the one aspect of how a perpetrator grooms a victim in order to abuse them without the knowledge of friends, family, society or in fact the victim themselves.  Isolation is easily mistaken for the perpetrator wanting to cuddle up, hug and kiss their victim, to spend quality time together and generally show how very much in love they are.  The reality of isolation is that it is the key ingrediant to any abusive relationship.  It allows the perpetrator to continually abus the victim without interferance from frends and family.  Isolation is what lets victims become brainwashed into thinking their perpetrator is the only person in the whole wide world that they can rely on.  It’s coercive control, it’s not about care at all.

A caring partner would have no need to prevent partners from seeing friends or family, even in a relationship you should still have time in your life for both. Isolation allows the perpetrator to abuse the victim to the point where it is so difficult for them to simply leave the relationship, even if they wanted to.  They have been manipulated into believing that the perpetrator is the only person who cares and loves them.  This is untrue and the perpetrator will say this in order for the victim to spend more time with them and abandon family and friends to prove there love to them.  Of course, in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to prove anything to your partner because they should love and respect you for who you are.

Isolation is one red flag that all victims of domestic abuse should be made aware of and look out for because that is where the abuse starts, coercive control and not physical abuse.  This is where society seems to lose it’s focus on domestic abuse because it still believes that domestic abuse is all about physical abuse, the victim provoking or saying the wrong thing to order the perpetrator.  This is untrue.  Domestic abuse is not a one officident, perpetrators don’t get angry or lose their temper because they thrive on power and control.

The frequency and severity becomes worse, once it starts, it doesn’t stop and can eventually result in death.  That is the harsh reality of domestic abuse.

We still seem to be living in a society that isn’t really aware of the most dangerous aspect of the complex cycle of domestic abuse.  It isn’t necessarily the physical abuse that a victim may endure but the psychological and coercive control instead.  Victims are people, not possessions, they should be cared for, not controlled.  Society doesn’t see a perpetrator stalking a victim but instead they see it as care, love and something that is romantic; stalking is not romantic.  It’s about maintaining that power and control over the victim from the moment they isolate them right up until when the victim has found the strenght and courage to leave the perpetrator.

The perpetrator doesn’t know how to cope with rejection and they still want to hold onto that control.  They begin to stalk and harass the victim, giving them false hopes and promises of changing and saying it will never happening again but they are just saying meaningless words that the victim wants to hear but the perpetrator is not actually meaning what they say.  The victim has been controlled, manipulated and brainwashed they are still isolated from friends and family, still isolated and still alone, that they believe them and sometimes the victim goes back to the partner.  This isn’t the victims fault.  They aren’t aware that they are in an abusive relationship or that they are being abused, society is failing them because there is a lack of education and awareness on this sensitive subject because we live in a world that would rather bury its head in the sand than acknowledge the issue and act upon it.

In order to help victims and therefore prevent more people becoming victims of domestic abuse we must acknowledge that this is a real life issue that happens every single day.  1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will become a victim at some point during their life time, then there are our young people who will become victims, gay victims, lesbian victims, mature victims; it knows no boundaries, anyone can be a victim and anyone can be a perpetrator.  The worrying thing is, if we can’t acknowledge the early warning signs from the beginning of the relationship how can we protect the victims? How can we encourage victims to speak out when society still doesn’t seem to understand the complex cycle or the devestation it leaves behind? There is still so much more that needs to be done in order to protect all victims of domestic abuse.

We hear of new laws, yet how many people really know what warning signs to look out for, what coercive control is or what impact financial abuse has on a victim.  Victims will have little, if any at all, faith in speaking out if they are talking to someone who simply doesn’t understand the complex cycle. We need to be focusing on the issue in hand, domestic abuse, working together in order to stand united and prevent others from becoming victims and to reach that aim, we need to go back to basics.  Awareness and education is paramount, education is prevention not a deterant, we need to see action against perpetrators but for victims not just aimless words and false promises from the Goverment.  They encourage victims to speak out yet in the other hand they take away so many lifelines from victims; Legal Aid, closing down refuges and cutting much needed funding in order to give support and aftercare.  How is this fair to victims and how on earth is this showing the next generation that we won’t tolerate domestic abuse.

Coercive control doesn’t only affect victims of domestic abuse, it also has an impact on children too.  Children witnessing doemstic abuse might not be physically harmed but psychologically, they are.  They will have divided loyalties between their parents, they won’t understand what is happening around them and will blame themselves; coercive control.  Taking away their freedom too, turning them against the victim of domestic abuse and being made to side with the victim.  Dragged through the family courts being used as a tool and weapons in a very dangerous world of domestic abuse. Coercive control is the type of abuse that leaves scars behind that society doesn’t see let alone understand; just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  The scars that coercive control leave behind is purely devestating and ones that can prevent victims from moving forward in their life, no matter how hard they try.

Coercive control destroys your soul, it intimidates you, frightens you, scares you, manipulates you, eats away at your self esteem, confidence and worth making it extremely difficult to move forward.  Lack of trust is left behind by coercive control making it hard to know who to trust in your life, this can have a huge impact on victims moving forward with regard to applying for that job – how can they with no self worth or confidence, how can they form, build and make new friendships let alone relationships without being able to trust others.

Not everyone is a perpetrator but the devestating impact of coercive control will make victims believe they are. It is so important that the recognition of coercive control is made because that is how domestic abuse starts.  It starts with isolation, manipulation, jealousy, possessiveness – all the things that society cannot see but the victim can feel the effects of.  Coercive control is so very easily mistaken for care when it is clearly about power and control. Perpetrators telling victims who they can and cannot speak to, how to dress, humiliation, constant put me downs, the fear of walking on eggshells and “doing the wrong thing” is just part of the complex cycle.

Society sees the charmer when the victim lives with the controller. Coercive control is about the perpetrator undermining and depriving the victim of so many things, including social contact with the outside world, depriving them of basic human needs such as food, clothes and money.  Deprivation of rights to privacy, self respect, autonomy and equality.  It stops victims being who they are, it changes them into someone they are not and something the perpetrator wants them to be; it allows them to exist, not live. It takes away humanity, freedom of speach, freedom of life, it is most dangerous because it’s a form of abuse that isn’t easy to recognise, it leaves no visible marks, it’s easily confused with care and this is how perpetrators get away with this behaviour for so long. It’s not only important to have recognition of coercive control but it’s equally important to highlight the impact it has on a victim even if they have left the relationship and how it still controls them.  This is why it’s vitally important for all victims of domestic abuse to have support and aftercare because how they cope and deal with the trauma they have been through, determines how they will will have the confidence to move forward and take the driving seat and be in control of their own life again.

Going back won’t change a thing but moving forward will change everything

In time, your life will get better because you will be in control of your life again.

Being isolated and becoming completely dependant upon your perpetrator is something to let go of but it something that is achievable.  You will have good and bad days during your own personal journey to becoming a survivor but how you deal with those particular days will be you key to moving forward in your life.

The most important thing to learn is none of this is your fault, this is just something your perpetrator brainwashes you into believing so they can continue to abuse you whilst you confuse their control for love.

Domestic abuse isn’t about something you did wrong but about the perpetrator controllig every aspect of your life, telling you that you will never be able to live without them.  They tell you this because they don’t want you to leave them, not the fact you can’t live without them.  You managed perfectly fine before you met your perpetrator and in time you will be able to this again.  Your relationship started with coercive control so you were mentally manipulated, your self esteem drained from you and just a former shell of yourself left.

As soon as you make that telephone call to the Police that is when you are taking the first step, saying enough is enough and you wont tolerate this behaviour anymore.  However, this si the point where your perpetrator wills till control you because they don’t know how to deal with or cope with rejection so as you are still feeling isolated, judged and stigmatised they will still use coercive control against you because you are proving them wrong and showing them you can survive without them.  Of course, this isn’t going to be a smooth journey, it will be bumpy so it’s really important to understand that going back won’t change a thing but moving forward will change everything.

Feeling angry and anxious are common so too is blaming yourself for what has ahppened, you have been brainwashed into thinking this.

It does get better because the fear of hearing that key in the front door no longer exisits and your fears make you stronger.  You must learn to believe in yourself because you are someone, you are loved and you are worth so much more.  One of the most difficukt things will be learning to trust again.  Not everyone is a perpetrator, you are allowed to talk to people of the opposite sex and you can choose to be friends with who you want.  You no longer have to feel guilty about doing normal and acceptable things withouts being blamed and treated unacceptably.  Having little trust in yourself and others can become a huge barrier so it is important to learn to love yourself again and build up a relationship with yourself again first.  Remember, who you once were, your thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

Going back to your perpetrator won’t ever make things right, the relationship won’t work and the abuse won’t disappear; if it has happened once it will happen again.

Domestic abuse goes digital

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2888459/Wife-beaters-using-30-secret-spy-apps-mobile-phones-computers-track-partners-half-domestic-abuse-victims-report-stalked-online.html

I think it is an absolute outrage that we are living in a society that is making it so much easier for perpetrators to abuse victims and allowing them to do so!

Where on earth is the justice in this world!

Domestic abuse is all about perpetrators having power and control over their victims and this is just allowing them to maintain this!  Being allowed to spy on victims is increasingly dangerous and putting them at even more of a risk! Something as innocent as going to the shop can have devestating consequences if the perpetrators thinks the victim is having an affair just for speaking to someone of the opposote sex!

I just see things that are getting easier for perpetrators but making everything twice as difficult for victim which is absolutely ridiculous and something that needs to be focused upon and dealt with.

With this divice, it is difficult for the non-expert user to determine whether or not spyware is on his or her phone so in actual fact they won’t even know their perpetrator is spying on them!  It’s harassment and stalking, it’s coercive control, manipulation – it’s another dangerous tool perpetrators have easy access to in order to maintain that power and control over victims.

750 cases of domestic violence against men in Wolverhampton

http://www.expressandstar.com/news/2014/12/28/750-cases-of-domestic-violence-against-men-in-wolverhampton/

Around 750 cases of domestic violence against men are being reported ever year in one city.

Wolverhampton City Council said men make up 14 per cent of around 5,000 cases a year.

The authority can support up to 158 people at any one time with emergency help, accommodation or advice.

But it is likely to cut around £300,000 a year – 30 per cent of the grant – from The Haven, a domestic violence charity in the city as the council works to save £123 million.

A Government that would rather save £123 million pounds than 5,000 men – how utterly degrading and hypercritical!  We live in a society urging male victims to speak out and report the abuse they are suffering and in the next breath we are taking away vital support and aftercare! I mean, come on, where is the logic in that!

No wonder society isn’t taking male abuse seriously enough when we are seeing vitial funding being cut for those who really need the help and support!

We can quiet clearly see from the media how those victims that find the strength to leave the relationship are the most vulnerable and without support and aftercare how can they start their journey and healing process, because domestic abuse just doesn’t disappear.

The council has a contract with which in turn works with St George’s Hub and Jericho House to provide services for male victims of domestic violence.

That arrangement came into place last year. Prior to that there were no funded places for male victims specifically.

Men who require accommodation get referred to Mankind Somerset, which has 70 beds across the UK. Men requiring community support are referred to St George’s Hub.

Men haven’t got that lifeline or that safehouse to go to.  These male victims are going to be isolated, the same way female victims are, so they have no one to turn to in their hour of need.  Wolverhampton City Council said men make up 14 per cent of around 5,000 cases a year – that is just in one city – what about the silent sufferers, the victims who don’t even know they are being abused.

I think this is an absolute disgrace and clearly shows that society still has no concept of what domestic abuse actually is!

Hollie Gazzard Trust campaigns for domestic abuse lessons

I support this campaign whole heartedly!

“The family of a hairdresser who was killed at work by her ex-boyfriend want lessons about domestic violence to be part of the national curriculum.”

Awareness and education of the early warning signs, coercive control and psychological abuse that takes place before any physical abuse enters the relationship, could be the difference between life and death.

With 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men becoming a victim of domestic abuse during their lifetime it is important we focus on the whole picture of domestic abuse and not what society thinks it just involves.  It’s not just about physical abuse and this is where pereptrators are, quiet literally, getting away with murder.  Many murders happen after the victim has found the strength to leave the relationship because society thinks domestic abuse magically disappears when they leave and because victims aren’t made aware enough of the coercive control that happens after they leave the perpetrator.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-30610112

I agree, it is so important that the next generation, boys and girls, are not only made aware of the choices they have available to them but also that domestic abuse is a crime.  It’s not about care and love, it’s about power and control; it is an unhealthy relationship but easily confused with love.

Perpetrators and victims of domestic abuse are getting younger and younger, missing vital signs because there is a lack of understanding and knowledge.  We need to be made aware of the situation before we can act upon it.  Including domestic abuse to the national curriculum is just one step forward.

Santa can’t make everyone’s wish come true, he can’t make domestic abuse disappear

Christmas can be the most dangerous time of year for victims of domestic abuse.  It’s not about the build up of the festive season, it’s not about overspending on the children’s presents and it’s not about pressures at work either, it’s all about power and control.

Christmas time for victims of domestic abuse is still going to be as equally frigtening, scary and intimidating, just like it is for the rest of the 364 days of the year.  It will still be riddled with isolation, intimidation and injuries, coercive control, cruelness and calculating coldness will still be present.

Domestic abuse doesn’t go away just because Christmas is here.  In fact, it can get worse with the perpetrator using the festive seasons as the the “perfect excuse to abuse” when in reality, there is never an excuse to abuse.  Domestic abuse is the unprovoked crime that has no motive, yet the victim is constantly blamed for the actions of someone else!

The isolation doesn’t melt because it’s the season of goodwill, it’s still a part of the victim’s life, they won’t be able to let their hair down and have a good time, because the power and control from the perpetrator is so overwhelming with constant humilation, accusations of having an affair and manipulative behaviour.  Those eggshells will still be beneath the feet of every single victim, petrified of putting a foot wrong, treading on that one egg shell that cracks and making everything explode.

This time of year isn’t about having the biggest, best and brightest Christmas tree with colourful, baubles, balls and bows or even having the pretty, perfect, presents underneath the Christmas tree, it’s about living in fear, being isolated from friends and family, coercive control, physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual and financial abuse.

Santa can’t make everyone’s wish come true, he can’t make domestic abuse disappear and for all victims to become survivors and perpetrators to actually become perfect people but as a nation, a neighbour and nice person, we can all do something to make it just that little bit easier for male and female victims of domestic abuse.

Record it and report it as anon.  You don’t have to even give your name, address or any personal details to the call handler when you phone the Police.  Simply tell them the situation and the address of the victim.  The victim won’t even know the call has been made but I can guarantee you one thing, it will make them thankful that their prayer has been answered.  That someone does care for them, someone does like them and that someone has heard what they are going through and they know it isn’t right or acceptable.

Being anon means that you do not have to get directly involved, that nothing will come back on to you and that you nor your family will be in danger because no one will ever know that you have called the police but that one glimmer of hope, that one memory that someone has done something for a victim of domestic abuse might just be that lifeline that the victim needs.  That one call you make this Christmas could be the start of the ball rolling for that victim, to speak out, say enough is enough and make the journey from victim to survivor.

Victims of domestic abuse won’t be enjoying the festive period with their families this year, it won’t even be enjoyable or merry.  Children witnessing domestic abuse at home will still see and hear what’s going on around them; the one thing that might be on their list could be to make things better at home.  Together, we can make their Christmas a better one.

New domestic abuse law on controlling behaviour unveiled #recorditandreportit

We need to see recognition of what “coercive and controlling behaviour” actually is and make it mandatory awareness, education and training because those that are affected by it, don’t know they are a victim of it, until it’s too late.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30532087?post_id=1152280751_10205240038537824

I feel we have nothing more than acknowledging what coercive and controlling behaviour is but I don’t think it is strong enough to give victims the strength or courage to speak out against it.

At what point can a victim of coercive and controlling behaviour report the psychological abuse they are suffering?  Does it have to be a specific period of time before reporting the abuse?  It’s quiet difficult for victims to know that they are actually being abused because there simply is not enough recognition or awareness of what coercive and controlling behaviour is. It’s not just about one specific things, it’s about a whole range of abuse from isolation to financial control, it’s about lack of freedom and not being able to live life as you choose.

I will be interested to see how perpetrators will be convicted and what the new powers will be put in force – and when, but more importantly, what WILL the punishment actually be?  So many victims have already been failed by the Justice System, how will introducing this particular law be any different?  I fear this is too little and too late now as victims have heard the talk for so long now, they don’t actually believe any action will follow.

We have seen a definition of domestic abuse but sadly we haven’t seen anything reflected within the law.  So many failings and gaps in this complex cycle and I worry that the victim will have to a great deal of coercive and controlling behaviour before their perpetrator is punished and that, acutally, far too much psychological damage will have been done to the victim and then what?  What about the support and aftercare that must follow in order to help victims on their journey to becoming a survivor?

We live in a society that still finds domestic abuse the most difficult subject to talk about, a subject that if we turn a blind eye or bury our head in the sand, the epidemic might just magically disappear.  We need to be bringing in mandatory domestic abuse awareness into our Sex Education subject at school so the next generation can differentiate what is acceptable in a healthy relationship and what is not acceptable in an unhealthy relationship.

I fear that this new law alone isn’t quiet strong enough to work, so many  more gaps need to be filled in, like awareness, education and training for society as a whole.  The Justice System, is what is failing victims of this horrific crime and until this actually punishes perpetrators then we are still going to see 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men affected by domestic abuse at some point during their lifetime because the message that the Justice System is giving is, that perpetrators can basically, get away with murder.  We must be giving a clear and concise message that domestic abuse is a crime that will not be tolerated and in order to restore faith in victims and the many, many silent sufferers is seeing Justice being given.

It’s not taken seriously enough to give confidence to victims to speak out and that must be a priority, we need to see a radical culture change in society and a true understanding of the devestating effects controlling behaviour actually has in the victim and not in the short term but also in the long term because this is the type of abuse that puts a huge barrier over victims and prevents them from moving forward and breaking free from that cycle.

It is vital that all victims of coercive and controlling behaviour keeps evidence of such abuse; photograpic evidence, journal, diary, screenshot, threating text messages and financial statements to help build up that portfolio of evidence against their perpetorator. Victims must be encouraged not discouraged to #recorditandreportit because without being acknowledged, addressed and acted upon, this type of behaviour can lead to devistating consequences.

Perpetrators simply do not know how to deal with rejection and punish victims for leaving them!

http://www.itv.com/news/central/2014-12-12/80-year-old-man-convicted-of-horrific-acid-attack-on-teenage-ex-girlfriend/

The complex cycle of domestic abuse is all about power and control and this article proves just that.  Perpetrators don’t like to lose that power and control over their victim so it’s a case of, if I can’t have you, no-one else can either.

Age and gender shouldn’t be an issue, the issue is a perpetrator still trying to control the victim once they have found the strength and courage to leave the relationship.

Again we can see how the perpetrator was in control all the time as he plotted out the plan and even had hired help! It’s not about getting angry or even “losing it”, is much more scarier than that.  It’s about someone knowing exactly what they are going to do it, why and how they are going to do it too! It’s coercive control.

This is something that the victim can’t “just get over” and look happened when she did try and “just leave”.

The psychological scars that this incident will leave on this young teenager will become unbearable for her and how can she move forward without support and help.  It’s not something she can just forget about, but something she has to learn to cope and deal with.

This is the dangerous of coercive control, the danger of daring to leave a perpetrator and this is the destruction that domestic abuse can do to victims.

Coercive control is not love and care

Psychological abuse and coercive control wears you down mentally and strips you of absolutely everything you once were, it just leaves you with a bare skeleton shell; you are in existence not living.

To the outside world it doesn’t leave any scars but to the victim, it leaves a huge footprint on your heart and can stop you from moving forward in your journey of becoming a survivor allowing your perpetrator to still have that power and control over you.  Psychological abuse is the reason why, you can’t just leave an abusive relationship and you can’t “just get over it”.

To have your soul completely crushed is absolutely devesating.  You are left with no self esteem, worth or confidence it just eats away at you, day after day, the echos of the cruel words from your perpetrator repeating over and over in your mind, like a record on stuck but the words are drip, drip, drip feeding into your heart.

It’s not a feeling you can just shake off, get rid of or pull yourself together over.  You have been brainwawshed, manipulated and controlled without recognisingit as coercive control but mistaking it for love and care.  You think your perpetrator wants to spend time with you because they love and care for you but it’s because they want to isolate you from your friends and family for their selfish wants and needs of control and abusing you.

The cruel and unkind words that your perpetrator has said to you, live subconsciously in the back of your mind and you slowly start believing them because they say it over and over and over; you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re useless.  So you don’t buy that outfit in the smaller size because you are fat, ugly and useless so who is going to notice what you look like anyway?  No one even loves or likes you apart from your perptrator and if you do get dressed up into something nice you are only accused of drawing attention to yourself and flirting with others, so you don’t buy that outfit.

You’re fat, you’re ugly and you’re useless so you aren’t going to apply for that job because whose going to employ you anyway?  You have no self worth, confidence or self esteem so you will fail the interview, you won’t get the job which will just result in more psychological abuse from your perpetrator because he was right in the first place!

You’re fat, you’re ugly and you’re useless so you won’t take those driving lessons after all.  You can’t really afford it anyway because you’re a victim of financial abuse too and you can’t ask for the money for lessons because you only want to take lessons because you’re obviously having an affair with your driving instructor and why do you want to drive anyway, you don’t have any friends or family to visit because you have been isolated from them and they don’t really care about you like he does so what’s the point going to visit them.  Why do you want your own freedom and independance anyway when you have me, when you can just stay at home with me.

You’re fat, you’re ugly and you’re useless so what’s the point in becoming a volunteer or going to the shop, everyone hates me anyone and no one will look twice at me.  Maybe he’s right, I am fat, ugly and useless and if I do leave, where will I go?  I’ve got no housing or financial stability and he doesn’t look after me, I’ve got a roof over my head and as long as I tell him what I’ve spent the money on and as long as it isn’t for me, then I have money too.  He’s right, I’ll stay, no one will love a fat, ugly and useless person like me, not how he loves me anyway.

Those three negative words have such a huge impact on a victim and become huge barriers on a day to day basis preventing them from moving forward in their own life and taking time in regaining self esteem, confidence and worth.  It’s a complex cycle that spirals out of control everytime the perpetrator moves the goalposts and plays the game differently.

The scars that psychological abuse and coercive control leave, don’t disappear, they might fade but they always re-appear, always having control over the victim.

It’s important that recognition of this type of control and abuse is made aware of because it has the longer lasting affect than physical abuse, it is a barrier from the transformation of victim to survivor and this is where support and aftercare is paramount to make that journey a safe and prosperous one.

Coervice control is not love and care but it is easily mistaken for this and that is how the perpetrator abuses for so long without recognition; to the outside world they are the charmer but behind closed doors they are the controllor, controlling movements, words and the way of thinking.  Society thinks he is a charmer when he answers for the victim but the victim knows they are controlling what they say, society thinks he is a charmer wanting to spend time with her but the victim knows that she’s not allowed to go to that party in case she does something to show herself up or why does she want to go anyway, when she has him.  Society thinks he is a charmer when he tells her that outfit doesn’t really suit her when the victim knows he is telling her that she’s fat, ugly and useless and she if she does wear it, it’s because she’s having an affair.

Coercive control also happens after the victim has left, in the form of harassment and stalking, again somethng the outside world can easily confuse with love and care.  It is not.  It is coercive control.  It’s frightening, it’s intimidating…it can lead to death because the perpetrator cannot handle the rejection from the victim and the victim can’t deal with the suffication from the perpetrator, following their every movement.

I believe coercive control should become a crime in itself because it hurts more than physical abuse.  Physical abuse hurts your pride and feelings more so than anything and broken bones can heal, it’s not quiet so easy to overcome the power of the tongue.

Police body cameras should be mandatory to help punish perpetrators

To them it’s going to be a postcode lottery and something that costs too much money, for me it’s about saving lives; victory for victims and punishment for perpetrators something all victims need and all domestic abuse campaigners want.

Body language, fear, power and control is all captured on camera so the perptrator can’t talk their way out of it or victimblame the situation because the reality is caught on camera.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/police-body-camera-helps-catch-wifebeater-after-decade-of-domestic-abuse-9916000.html

One spine chilling thing about Michael from the recent episode of Panorama was how he remained calm and in control throughout.  Look at the damage he caused to his wife’s face and how he answered the door to the Police Officers and how he held down a conversation with them.

Perpetrators are always in control.  It’s not about the victim “doing the wrong thing” or “something something wrong” and neither do victims  provoke them into beating and abusing them, we can see that quiet clearly from the video footage.  So why are victims still being blamed for the perpetrators behaviour?

Michael had already pre-planned this horrific incident to take place so it’s not about getting angry, having an argument or losing it for a second and everything spiralling out of control, it’s about being in control and having power over the victim.

Actually watching this programme and seeing Michael’s behaviour, actually scared me.  How someone can do such a thing and act as though nothing as happend, is deeply concerning – don’t forget all perpetrators behave the same way and have the same characteristics.

Police body cameras would give victims more confidence to recorditandreportit because they won’t have to struggle to get their side of the incident across to the Police Officers as not only will visible injuries be captured but also body language, the intimidation and fear will come across too; the cameras will be a learning curve for society to actually see the affect it has on the victim and how perpetrators really do behave.

False promises and meaningless words are what usually come from a pepetrators mouth, once the victim has found the strength and courage to phone the Police.  Don’t forget, at this point, the victim has been abused more than 35 times, has been isolated, brainwashed and manupulated into believe the perpetrator is the only person who they can trust and rely onbecause no one else will ever love them the way they do.

The victim has been physically and mentally broken down by the person they love.  They are isolated with no self esteem, confidence or worth.

The victim is going to be absolutely petrified because they are still being psychologically abuse and threatened to be killed or have the children killed.

To fill in the huge gap between victims speaking out and staying silent we are going to need a huge workforce and a lot of hardwork to go into the finished product and I think the police body cameras should be mandatory because this would give more courage to victims speaking out.

Victims have got to recorditandreportit in order to be believed and heard and for the Police to not only learn and understand the complex cycle but to also have recognition that victims are most vulnerable when trying to leave the abusive relationship.

Perpetrators thrive on power and control and don’t know how to cope with rejection.  That’s why they still manipulate victims by telling them no one will believe you and where victim blaming is a constant theme in the complex cycle.

Once domestic abuse becomes part of your life, it stays with you, it doesn’t get better, it won’t go away and your perpetrator will not change for you.  Domestic abuse is like a whirlwind rollercoaster of a ride that starts subtly and slowly then just completely spirals out of control.  It’s a long and bumpy experience and although there might be so many times when you want to get off but you just can’t because isn’t just not safe enough to but you know when the time is right for you to do so.  And when that time is right, you have to do it, make that statement without dropping the charges because you will be first in the line to get back on the rollercoaster ride.

With the support of the Police body camera and the Police victims should speak out.  Speaking out isn’t about being weak but a way of telling your perpetprat you won’t tolerate being treated this way any more because you don’t have to put up with this behaviour.  It’s not normal and it shouldn’t be accepted.  The Police body camer with help victims recorditandreportit to build up that eveidence against the perpetrator; video recording, screensave snapshots of social media messages, save text messages, keep a diary of events and report it – including coercive control.  The body camera will capture body language too, so the Police can see nothing but control from the perpetrator and nothing but fear from the victim.

I feel that the Police body camera is a vital tool to capture the harsh reality of domestic abuse and with these cameras, hopeully, we can see a much high domestic abuse conviction rate and less victims of domestic abuse.

We can but hope