Coercive control after separation

We all want to find the one, the one who will be the perfect mother or father to our children.  No one in society wakes up thinking they will choose a perpetrator to have a baby with.

The truth is, we can’t help who we fall in love with, it just happens and in time takes over our life.

Domestic abuse isn’t as straight forward as society thinks, if only it were, it would be so much easier for the victim.  It certainly is not just a case of a slap, get over it and you life happy ever after; I am sure many victims really do wish it were that simple.

It is a complex crime that affects not just the victim but also the children too for they are the real silent victims of this epidemic.  They feel torn with divided loyalties and often the ones to blame.  Domestic abuse tearing their family apart and destroying their childhood, yet simply accepting that this behaviour is normal and something that happens in all families.  It isn’t.  It shouldn’t.

Children are pure and innocent, and like society itself, won’t see the power and control for what it is but see it as love and care, exactly what the perpetrator wants.

Coercive control and domestic abuse continues to happen, even when the victim has left the perpetrator, it carries on right through the Family Law in front of Judges but without their recognition of what is happening.  They are blinded by the caring partner and see a mother or father wanting to see their child, they don’t see it as the perpetrator dragging the victim through the Family Court in order to use their own children as a tool and weapon to continue the abuse.

A perpetrator is a person who cares for no one but themselves, they don’t care about the wants of needs of others, including their own children.  They see life as a way of manipulation and control, doing anything in their power to gain and maintain their authority over the person they claim to love, including their children.

Many perpetrators are jealous by their own child, right from the beginning when the victim is pregnant.  A pregnant victim has someone much more important inside them than their perpetrator.  A human being, a life, that is going to rely, need and want to much love and affection from the victim that the perpetrator will feel pushed out and left out, childlike themselves.

Other perpetrators will continually impregnate their victim so others don’t look at them, so they don’t draw attention to themselves or to keep them “in their place”.  It really isn’t about wanting a family, promising to change when the baby comes or being the best parent ever, it’s about making the victim vulnerable to the perpetrator can abuse them with ease.

Society doesn’t see this aspect of domestic abuse.

A perpetrator can still harass and stalk the victim through contact, often asking the children awkward questions about their movements and making it difficult by not keeping to arranged days and times, knowing it will interfere with the victim and them moving on with their life.

Perpetrators will often try to buy their child, making the victim look useless and like the bad one but it’s not part of parenthood, this is about power and control and being a perpetrator.

The behaviour of a perpetrator is challenging but clever, in a way that society misguide it as love and care, they don’t read between the lines or understand the concept of coercive control and domestic abuse.  A perpetrator can  just look, stare or glance at their victim and put the fear of God into them but no one else around them would notice such a thing.

Children who have contact with perpetrator parents are silent sufferers of coercive control.  They will simply accept what is happening around them because it’s mum or dad, they will innocently answer questions asked because they know different, they will simply be children caught up in the tangled web and destruction of domestic abuse.  They won’t understand why the victim is being difficult toward the perpetrator, why they won’t allow them to sleep over for one extra night, they won’t understand why the victim is so upset because the perpetrator brought those expensive trainers and not them.  Children don’t see things in an adult world.  They don’t see the control, the undermining, the manipulation or fear the perpetrator puts into the victim each time that day comes around for contact.  They don’t feel the sickness, the emptiness or the worry that lies with the victim as tonight is the night for a sleepover at contact.  They don’t see how the victim feels let down by the Justice System for allowing an innocent child spend time with a perpetrator, who won’t even spend 5 minutes bonding with their child or even taking an ounce of interest in what they did at school this week.

It must be stressed how domestic abuse doesn’t just end when the victim finds the strength and courage to leave the relationship because it doesn’t.  Warning signs of coercive control after separation is important.  Victims will be most vulnerable at this time and will need extra support and understanding, the Justice System therefore, must change!  We cannot afford to put innocent children in such a dangerous place, many lives have been ruined through this destructive crime, lives have been lost and lives ruined.  Change must be seen and it must start with the Family Law and Justice System because not all parents want whats the best for their children, they prefer to use and abuse them.

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