He told me he loved me. I felt it myself and suddenly it felt as if he owned my very own soul. It was as though he had cast a complete spell over me and I was under his command.
I became oblivious to life, no longer living my own, just a person in existence and living under the illusion that maybe tomorrow things would be better, but tomorrow never came.
You see, that is the thing where domestic abuse is concerned, tomorrow never comes. Broken dreams and hope of raising your spirits but giving nothing more than false hope. A way of keeping you in the middle of the tangled web of abuse, control and power, unafraid of walking along the tightrope through fear of falling and cracking the eggshells living beneath your feet.
Waking up each morning to darkness surrounding you and the fear of not being able to see the light again. Isolation wrapping itself like steel chains around your body making it difficult to break free. No matter how hard you try, those chains will not budge. Every which way you look, the exits seem closed with no way out, feeling deeply destroyed and with no strength left, you stay.
With no one to talk too, feelings are bottling up inside you just waiting to explode, brainwashed into believing no one will believe you, let alone listen to you. Feeling of self loathe, shattered self confidence and denial telling you it’s easier to stay because where would you go anyway with no money or a safe place to stay. Deep down, knowing they will find you, your escapism seems worthless.
The intimidation of those verbal death threats becoming a reality, always at the forefront of your mind.
All this swirling around in your mind whilst still trying to carry on as normal, hoping things will get better, the love you have for them telling you, one day they will change.
You feel like a small child alone and lost in the middle of the supermarket; everything around you seems so big and high, out of reach and so far away. No one around to help you, you feel so alone. You try screaming but no one can hear you, your voice is tiny and weak, people are just walking past you carrying on as if everything is OK. No one can hear your cries for help. You try so hard to speak out but you feel so mentally drained and tired, you sit down on the floor defeated, believing no one will come to you. Letting out a deep sigh you put on your big girl pants, stand up and get on with it because it’s easier.
Telling people you stay because you love your perpetrator is easier then explaining why you left. People judge you anyway without questioning the behaviour of your perpetrator because it’s easier for them to sweep domestic abuse under the carpet than admit and acknowledge it is happening.
No matter how many times you go to bed with hope in your heart that things will change, tomorrow never comes. You don’t want the same things, you want love, and they want control. It’s not a match made in heaven. Family and friends making excuses for what has happened putting doubt in your mind. Waiting lists for support giving you time to question yourself and change your mind in actually asking for support. Moving away just an opportunity for your perpetrator to find you again, whisper sweet nothings to you, ready for you to go back to the tangled webs of abuse, control and power to start over the complex crime again.
It takes courage, strength and time to speak out, telling people the one person you love is abusing you; it is demeaning and degrading, it leaves you feeling judged. You don’t know where to start because you can’t quite pinpoint the time you were first abused because you didn’t even know it was abuse, you thought it was love, accepted and tolerated it as normal behaviour, thought it happened in all relationships.
It’s not an experience that simply leaves you but one in which you learn to deal with, seeing life in a completely different way than you did before. It makes you stronger, proving your perpetrator wrong, showing them how you can and will survive without them.
Interference from third parties will try and persuade you to go back but nothing will change, they haven’t seen all what you have been through or what you survivor behind closed doors. Good day will always outweigh the bad but the importance of it, is to take one step at a time to find your way back to controlling your life again.
Only you can take control again by climbing over all of the hurdles thrown in your way to freedom. It will probably be one of the difficult, but not impossible, journeys of your life yet the most rewarding ever. Jut have that little bit of faith in yourself in order to make that giant leap. Believe in yourself, even when you think no one else does.