I’m just not prepared, physically or mentally, I don’t have anywhere to go, and I don’t even have any money of my own.
It’s so hard to leave everything behind, the home, yes I know it hasn’t always been a safe haven or a happy place, but there have been a few happy times here and I don’t want to let go of those memories yet.
Things might change, it could be tomorrow and I have to give him one more chance. What sort of partner would I be if I didn’t believe him when he tells me he loves me and he will change? I’ve got to believe him.
I’ll have to start all over again and learn to live on my own, how can I do that when he has been my rock for so long, the one who has always been there for me when friends and family haven’t been. If I leave, I’ll be completely on my own.
If I leave, my children will be taken away from me because it would be me splitting up the family and I know he loves the kids, I can’t take that away from him. He’s a good dad. The kids love him too. I won’t be the one splitting this family up.
My job gives me a little bit of freedom but if I leave now, I’ll lose my job.
Being here with him I know what’s coming, little tell tale signs like a clenched fist or a tapping foot but if I leave, I won’t know what know anything. He knows where I work, he knows the route I take and he knows what time lunch is, I would have to change all that and plus, I’m scared of what he’ll do to me if I leave. I know he’ll find me and who knows what he will do to me.
It’s just easier if I stay. I can keep him happier here which means; the happier he is the less likely I am to be abused. People keep saying, just leave but they don’t know what that really entails. You wouldn’t just up and leave your home and relationship, would you?
What about the kids and my pets, I could never leave those behind, the threats he has made to both, I just know he would carry them out if I ever dared to leave and then it would be my fault, like he always said.
Constantly walking on eggshells is just part of my daily life now, something I have to accept and learn how to live with, I just have to accept it.
No one will believe me anyway, the Police won’t, they will just send me back home because the refuges are full or because he hasn’t really hurt me – they can’t see the invisible pain that I carry around with me every single day of my life, if only domestic abuse was as simply as “just a black eye”. Do we have to walk around with scars showing before help is given, can’t people see that the invisible scars are just how cleaver perpetrators really are?
I don’t just leave because it’s impossible. When do I leave? I can’t do it when he is at work, he phones the landline everyday at a certain time and if I don’t answer, well, there’s another excuse for a beating. I have to take his lunch to him, at 1, then he phones me at 1.30 at home and sometimes he phones me on the landline just before he leaves work to come home, so I can’t leave then.
I can just leave in the middle of the night, every time I move in the bed, he puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. If the children wake up and I go into them, I can’t tell them, come on lets go, he has the baby monitor on and can hear every word I say.
Sometimes he gets one of his family members to call round to see how I am, if I wasn’t at home when they came round, they would report straight back to him.
He’s always calling me at work, any random time, telling the boss how much he misses me. Imagine I’m not at work when he calls. I know what he’s capable of, I know what he could do to me and I know he would, if I ever left him.
Treading on eggshells everyday and constantly looking over my shoulder if I left? It’s just easier to stay at home. He would call and text me all the time, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to just ignore him, no, I’m not, I couldn’t do that. He would send his sister round to tell me how much he loves me and I would fall for it. Flowers would be sent to work with caring cards for all to see how much he loves me and I would be seen as the bad one.
What’s the point in leaving when he is in complete control and will harass and stalk my every movement? He’s already told me he will kill me if I dare to leave, so what’s the point in leaving?