Sometimes you are in so deep you don’t ever feel like there is a way out of the dark tunnel that you find yourself in. You feel as though your whole wide world is closing in around you and you can’t find a way out, no matter how hard you true.
Your self-confidence and worth has been sucked out of you and you feel as though you are not good for anything or anyone.
Coercive control and domestic abuse will have an impact on you but we must try and learn from it and not dwell on it. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. It will leave you bewildered and confused but the most important thing to always remember is, it wasn’t your fault.
Focusing on what once was, stops you from moving forward and keeps your perpetrator in control.
Although leaving the relationship can feel frightening and seem scary, it is something you can do to focus on you, learn to love yourself again and be who you want to be.
The past can never be changed, so sitting and thinking it’s your fault does nothing to change the situation but to relive the traumatic experience all over again.
Don’t be afraid to get back up to try again because not everyone who you meet in your life is your perpetrator and they won’t treat you in the same way either. The important thing is to always trust your gut instinct because it won’t lie to you the way your head or heart will. Learn to trust your gut instinct and your barriers don’t always have to be down.
Domestic abuse is about power and control but when you have left the relationship don’t be afraid to live again, you can get back into the driver’s seat of your life.
Your perpetrator will have poisoned your mind, telling you how you will never cope without them when the reality is, they can’t cope with rejection or you leaving them through the fear of losing control over you.
You have so much to focus on when you take the step and decide to leave your perpetrator. It feels as though you can see life completely different than you did before, it makes you stronger.
The fear that lives deep inside your soul lifts itself and in time, slowly releases itself, taking away the heavy burden from you. Suddenly the darkness from your eyes disappears and you get that sparkle back. Your frown turns upside down and before you know it, you are smiling again, inside and out. Things feel different because you have your freedom back again and time, time to be you, do what you want and go where you want without being monitored.
There is no f ear of going to bed or waking up and no fear of walking on those eggshells either. Waking up with a smile on your face really does set you up for the day.
The sense of safety as you can speak and visit loved ones without fear of what might happen when you get back home. You can go out and about, speaking to whoever you like and make eye contact as well. The feeling of freedom is immense, even at home too! Cook tea when you want, watch your favourite TV programme and sleep for as long as you want.
The sound of the key in the front door no longer fills you with dread or fear. You look forward to inviting friends round and the kids have endless fun with their friends calling for them.
You can smile again without being made to feel guilty as to why you are smiling. The feeling of fear suddenly turns into happiness. You have achieved the one thing your perpetrator said you would never do, you are coping and living without them in your life and now they are feeling sorry for themselves because they no longer have you to control and you are proving them wrong.
Focusing on where you once were, won’t help you move forward with your life and right now, that is the most important thing ever, you.
You have been worn down physically and psychologically but you will rise and you will get through this. You have survived and lived to tell the tale of a traumatic experience, from here on in, things will get better for you.
Life doesn’t come with a map showing us the easiest direction to take; we have to take the backpack blindfold.
In 2003 my life changed forever because I fell in love with the wrong person. He was very much loved by not only his family but me too.
Looking back now, I can’t really see what I loved about him. Yes, I was physically attracted to him and I guess to a point, his bad boy image, his scars and tattoos.
I guess you could say, opposites attract.
I worked hard and played hard, he just played hard, work wasn’t important to him, yet having enough money for cider was.
He loved his mum but hated mine because he knew she could take me away from him, if only I had listened.
Most people in our life have something happen to them that is devastating, yet they don’t put the blame on those around them for this or sit and wallow. My ex seemed to think everyone and society owed him something.
Taking away the interior of his abusive ways, he was just a very lonely and insecure individual.
I came into his life as an independent woman with a good job, a social life, savings and friends, quite possibly all the things he didn’t have in his life and he felt the need to strip me of everything I had in the hope to make himself feel better about his own life.
During our 3 year relationship, I can count on one hand the number of happy days we had together. Every other day was walking on eggshells and trying to keep him happy so he wouldn’t abuse me but it didn’t always work.
The relationship was very much revolved around him and what made him happy. I learned, the happier he was, the better for me.
Looking back, I don’t think he was a happy personal at all, although this was never an excuse to how he treated me. It can’t even be said it was me, something I said or did because he treated all his partners the same.
There is never an excuse for perpetrators behaviour, yet there must be a reason why they do what they do but they must be taught domestic abuse will not be tolerated.
A perpetrator cannot be easily identified because there is not a specific type; it knows no boundaries and many hide behind their profession, fortune and financial status.
A common reaction from others is I didn’t think they were like that, being fooled completely by the caring partner not the controlling perpetrator. Also many victims don’t even realise they are being abused because they aren’t physically harmed.
Awareness is key.