I really did love you from the beginning but at the end I did nothing but fear you.
As our eyes met in the crowded room, I knew I wanted you and I couldn’t believe my luck when you showed an interest in me.
You could say it was a whirlwind romance when just twoo weeks later I moved into your flat with you. Well, why wouldn’t I, you said all the right things and made me feel so special.
I couldn’t understand why so many people were telling me I shouldn’t be with you and what a mistake I was making. I was usually such a good judge of character and if someone ever did something I didn’t like, I was never afraid to tell them what I thought.
Maybe I was a little besotted with you because whenever I was away from you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, you were always in my mind. In time, I would think about you and your needs more so than my own, often out shopping buying all the food you liked. Well, they say, the way to mans heart is through his stomach and yu did like your food, but I am still unsure as to whether you had a heart or not.
I never really knew why you treated me the way you did, provoking was something I didn’t do, I would often sit childlike with my knees drawn up t my chest, sitting on the armchair looking straight through you, as if it wasn’t really happening. Hot tears would sting my eyes as they streamed down my cheeks, never uttering a word.
You were so much stronger than me and the time you pushed your whole body weight down on my chest, I had no way of pushing you off. I couldn’t even prize your hands away when you wrapped the kettle cord around my neck.
Sometimes these things finished as quickly as you started and with words like, I can’t remember, or, you know that’s not me, it’s the drink.
Your behaviour always shocked and upset me because I didn’t know why you were hurting me when you claimed to love me. I loved you and did nothing more than try to make you happy.
I always though tomorrow would be better and always believed you when you said it would never happen again. My heart would ache at night as I prayed to the Lord you wouldn’t hurt me again. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way.
My heart became heavy as I would go to bed, hoping I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow and then waking up in the morning to the unknown of what would happen today. Climbing out of bed, absolutely petrified of treading on eggshells beneath my feet. Walking through the flat, trying to get through the goalposts you always put in my way.
Making those Police statements, I guess I just wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be ok and that it wasn’t my fault, but no one ever said that to me. You wre the only stable thing in my life, so I always came back to you and for a while things were good but then the abuse started all over again, like a mad cycle that I just had no power to stop.
Looking back now, I’m not sure if I was hurt because you didn’t love me as over time I beame number to the pain of your abuse.
The physical abuse hurt, of course but the verbal abuse made my heart bleed and crush my soul.
Cruel and unkind words you said to me day after day, live in my subconscious mind having a huge impact on me and who I am today. Long gone are the days when I was bubbly and the life and soul of the party, however, I am much stronger than I ever was before, all thanks to you.