Looking deep into your eyes broke my heart, they were so dark and empty. Your face looked sad and weathered, as though you had the weight of the whole wide world on your shoulders.
I tried talking to you, hoping you would open up to me but it always felt as though you had a safety barrier all the way around you and you were frightened to let anyone in, including me.
Some days, you would stand in the living room, just staring out of the window, not saying a word. I wanted to open the top of your head, climb inside and find out was going on.
Your image was that of a bad boy, but looking back that was just what youwanted people to see, you didn’t want them to know the real you.
We could never get very far down the street without someone stopping you to say hello or have a quick conversation with you. You would always leave wih a huge grin on your face, like the cat who got the cream, saying things like, you must hate me knowing all these people – it was as though you were trying to prove a point, like you had more friends than me.
Thinking back, it was more about trying to fill on empty voice in your life. Reality was, it was you who was lonely in life, not me, but you had to strip me of everything to make you feel better about your own life.
You manipulated and twisted my life, making out that you loved me, using my love for you as pure justificiation for your behaviour toward me.
I think you were a lost soul, I’d even go as far as saying a little boy in a mans body. I’m not even sure you knew how to love, more of a, don’t know how to rather than I don’t want too.
Maybe you were frightened to show who you really were because you feared being rejected so you felt the need to be in control rather than being controlled. You had to hurt others so they wouldn’t hurt you.
You would always use your own personal experiences of bad things that had happened to you in your life as an excuse to abuse, not just me but almost everyone in your life. The sad reality is, if you had just spoken ou, talked to someone, opened up at the time instead of comforting alcohol as a substitute, things might have been very different.
Being an abuser for so long, it was easier to stay that way rather than changing. You didn’t want to change because it was so much easier to blame everyone around you, rather than accepting and admitting responsibility for your actions.
There will never, ever be justification for what you did, not only to me but other partners too. The past canot be changed and nor can a sorry make things better but as they say, time heals.
I have healed and my life has changed from when we were together but yours never did. As I sit here writing this blog, I feel sad because reality is, you wasted so much of your life and the love I once had for you has turned into sorrow. I just feel so very sorry for you.
People speaking to you because they really feared you not because they liked you. Their love for you, turning into fear. You missing ou on your children because of your bullying behaviour. You lost out on so much when all you probably wanted was to be loved.
Maybe you didn’t know your behaviour was wrong, perhaps you mirrored the behaviour or you were brought up in a hostile environment in your own home, perhaps you didn’t know any different.
I could sit here and write excuse after excuse but that still wouldn’t make our three year relationship right. Truth was, what you did was wrong – it was a crime that you made to look like and to feel as though it were love.
That’s the reality of domestic abuse, it’s masked and disguised as so many different things other that what it really is, it’s about power and control. So charming at the beginning, so controlling at the end, with a mixture of both in between.
You made me feel as though I was living on a rollercoaster and I had no idea how to get off, and even if I did get off, it was still very bumpy.
You moulded me into someone you wanted me to be but now I am moulded into someone, I want to be.