A lost soul

Looking deep into your eyes broke my heart, they were so dark and empty.  Your face looked sad and weathered, as though you had the weight of the whole wide world on your shoulders.

I tried talking to you, hoping you would open up to me but it always felt as though you had a safety barrier all the way around you and you were frightened to let anyone in, including me.

Some days, you would stand in the living room, just staring out of the window, not saying a word.  I wanted to open the top of your head, climb inside and find out was going on.

Your image was that of a bad boy, but looking back that was just what youwanted people to see, you didn’t want them to know the real you.

We could never get very far down the street without someone stopping you to say hello or have a quick conversation with you.  You would always leave wih a huge grin on your face, like the cat who got the cream, saying things like, you must hate me knowing all these people – it was as though you were trying to prove a point, like you had more friends than me.

Thinking back, it was more about trying to fill on empty voice in your life.  Reality was, it was you who was lonely in life, not me, but you had to strip me of everything to make you feel better about your own life.

You manipulated and twisted my life, making out that you loved me, using my love for you as pure justificiation for your behaviour toward me.

I think you were a lost soul, I’d even go as far as saying a little boy in a mans body.  I’m not even sure you knew how to love, more of a, don’t know how to rather than I don’t want too.

Maybe you were frightened to show who you really were because you feared being rejected so you felt the need to be in control rather than being controlled.  You had to hurt others so they wouldn’t hurt you.

You would always use your own personal experiences of bad things that had happened to you in your life as an excuse to abuse, not just me but almost everyone in your life.  The sad reality is, if you had just spoken ou, talked to someone, opened up at the time instead of comforting alcohol as a substitute, things might have been very different.

Being an abuser for so long, it was easier to stay that way rather than changing.  You didn’t want to change because it was so much easier to blame everyone around you, rather than accepting and admitting responsibility for your actions.

There will never, ever be justification for what you did, not only to me but other partners too.  The past canot be changed and nor can a sorry make things better but as they say, time heals.

I have healed and my life has changed from when we were together but yours never did.  As I sit here writing this blog, I feel sad because reality is, you wasted so much of your life and the love I once had for you has turned into sorrow.  I just feel so very sorry for you.

People speaking to you because they really feared you not because they liked you.  Their love for you, turning into fear.  You missing ou on your children because of your bullying behaviour.  You lost out on so much when all you probably wanted was to be loved.

Maybe you didn’t know your behaviour was wrong, perhaps you mirrored the behaviour or you were brought up in a hostile environment in your own home, perhaps you didn’t know any different.

I could sit here and write excuse after excuse but that still wouldn’t make our three year relationship right.  Truth was, what you did was wrong – it was a crime that you made to look like and to feel as though it were love.

That’s the reality of domestic abuse, it’s masked and disguised as so many different things other that what it really is, it’s about power and control.  So charming at the beginning, so controlling at the end, with a mixture of both in between.

You made me feel as though I was living on a rollercoaster and I had no idea how to get off, and even if I did get off, it was still very bumpy.

You moulded me into someone you wanted me to be but now I am moulded into someone, I want to be.

The start of something new

No one will ever love you the way I do – just one powerful sentence that your abuser will say to you, usually around the time you feel brave enough to tell them you want to leave.  The imprint these words leave on you is also powerful, having an impact on decisions you make once you leave the arms of your abuser.

Your self confidence and worth have been completely crushed by brainwashing behaviour and manipulation grinding you down physically and psychologically.

As your abuser has been the most stable thing in your life since they completely isolated you from your friends, family and support network, you believe what they tell you.

You are at rock bottom and it feels as though there is no way to climb the top, often feeling like your life is over.  This is how your abuser makes you feel, knowing the impact it will have on your life.

Verbal threats, humiliation and constant put me downs often make you feel as though this is it now, this is how your life is going to be forever, often thinking you aren’t strong enough to ever start over and revuild your life, ever again.

Think of it as a second chance to relive your life exactly how you want too.  Proving to someone who makes you think you can’t live without them, wrong – you can and you will.  The start of something new is about taking one step at a time but walking in the direction you want too.

For me, I was made to feel as though I was a rubbish mum and because I had been trodden down to absolutely nothing, I believed him.  When the Solicitors letter landed on my mat, fear ripped through me with the feeling that my beautiful 10 year old daughter was going to be taken away from me.

He was in control of the situation and the timing of him dragging me through the Family Court was when I was at my lowest.

I was the one who was told to do a psychological test and if I refused, I would be charged.

It was so easy for him to instruct a Solicitor and for him to lie about me, yet so hard for me to possibly try and move forward in my life with the darkness of my daughter being taken away from me, hanging over me.

It felt as though he was still in complete control and he was using our daughter in the process.

In Court, and when he could be bothered to turn up, he presence was felt.  Although other people were in the room with us, he still frightened me.  I was intimidated by him.

However, I knew I had to be strong and that strength came from within – I had to protect my innocent child – even though I thought this was the end.

Reality was, it was the start of something new.

His voice was subconsciously living in my mind, but overtime I would learn to cope with this, in time, my own.

The taste of freedom is just absolutely fantastic and something that is achieveable, it’s the start of something new.