I need to feel safe in order to sleep. But the truth is, I don’t feel safe and I don’t sleep. I can’t even begin to imagine what would really happen if I did fall asleep. No, I’m not even going to think about that it’s far too scary.
It’s all my fault anyway, I know I’m the one to blame, if I wasn’t here then none of this would happen, I know it wouldn’t. But where would I go? How can I leave? How would I get there?
When I’m tired it makes me feel grumpy and I can’t always concentrate and then I get into trouble, again. Sleep is important for me, it helps me grow. It’s not just the not sleeping part, I also wet the bed too. I can’t help it. I really can’t help it. I don’t mean to do it but, but, I do. I think it’s because I’m scared. I want it to stop. The sounds, the shouting, the screaming, the silences.
I’m just so tired and scared.
I can’t talk to my mummy and daddy because they will just shout at me, tell me to go away or tell me it’s all my fault. I try to talk to them, tell them I’m sorry, tell them I love them but nothing seems to work, everything I do is wrong.
I used to like school and my teacher used to be so lovely, nice and kind to me but because I fall asleep in the classroom she shouts at me too. I’m even too hungry to eat sometimes and then the rumbling inside my tummy, that keeps me awake too. There’s not always food in the house so sometimes I can’t eat anything anyway. My teacher says that my work isn’t as good as it used to be, she’s asked me if there is anything wrong but I can’t tell her, I just can’t tell her what is happening at home. If I do, it will get my mummy and daddy into a lot of trouble and they might take me away from them and I couldn’t live without them.
I just want to feel safe in bed, I want something to help me shut everything out and help me shut my eyes and go to sleep. Sleep might make me feel safe. I think I would like a nice teddy to cuddle close to my chest, at least then I would have something to love and protect. I would even give my teddy a name. I can’t remember the last time I had a teddy to hold. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had one before.
Actually, I think I would like some nice clean pyjamas too, my often get soiled and mummy hasn’t always got time to wash them, but I don’t mind. I think I would like some slippers too. I would like these things but I can’t ask mummy or daddy for them because they haven’t got enough money to buy those things for me, they have to buy their own things first.
Often, at night I heard the doors banging downstairs and sometimes just after, I hear lots of crashing and things breaking, sometimes I hear loud voices coming from mummy and daddy too, that makes my stomach feel all funny inside. Then it goes really quiet and it’s like I’m waiting for something else to happen, like a big explosion or eruption, sometimes it stays silent forever but other times the noise starts all over again.
I just want a good night’s sleep, I wonder if I will tonight?
When I go down stairs in the morning, it’s like walking into the unknown, I never know what I will see. Sometimes there is blood up the walls or holes in the doors and walls or sometimes it looks as though we have had burglars in the night ransacking our house.
It’s always so quiet too, mummy and daddy are often in bed asleep and I just get myself off to school because I don’t want to disturb them. When I a at school I often wonder what is happening at home and what I might walk into when I get back. I don’t tell my friends about it, they wouldn’t listen anyway, I just have to hope that one night I will get a good night’s sleep.