My Story Where am I now …………
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
My home life was nothing less than normal …. Define normal what is normal? 2.4 children Mum and Dad on the social ladder they would be middle class working family what utter rubbish! I don’t do putting people in boxes but for the purposes of this piece it gives you an idea doesn’t it.
I would describe us as upper/ middle class if I really had to we lived in a big five bedroom house had a huge garden new car every year and a villa in Spain.
All of us had hobbies there are four of us I’m the youngest. We all ballroom and Latin danced in competition and played a musical instrument my mum was a brilliant dressmaker so all our ballroom dresses were custom made even our clothes .
Sounds great doesn’t it? Like the start of The Stepford Wives movie! Well underneath all that was our real life, life consisted of coming home from school checking to see if mums car was in the drive often hiding around the corner for a bit if I saw she was going out then sneaking in the front door grabbing my jods and my boots and making my escape to the local stables or out on my horse before mum knew I was home.
Now your all thinking yeah we all did that! What you don’t know is that my mother was a violent paranoid schizophrenic and suicidal. The truth was you never knew what you were coming home to, if you were really unlucky she would be home and that was your lot she would find something anything your clothes were wrong your hair wasn’t brushed god the list is endless and even more trivial and that would be it ….. She would start slapping me round the face ripping off any clothes she thought I shouldn’t wear and shout at me for at least 2 hours sometimes through my bedroom door where I would retreat to get away from her hoping and praying she would stop just once and I could escape somewhere anywhere ….I would tend to my new set of bruises and mop up my Inevitable nose bleed as mum had a habit of slapping me constantly round the face and at least if my nose bled that would stop her.
She had been committed to the mental asylum for 6 months undergone ECT treatment, for all those that don’t know that’s electric convulsion treatment a barbaric Neanderthal Mental health treatment back in the 70s that stripped a person of their very personality and they returned this zombie that was a shell of my mum and after that came the constant attempts at suicide.
A constant round of ringing the Doctor , the ambulance , ring Dad then what pills she took this time and trying to pursue them to come out . After this the barrage of abuse she would shout “why can’t you just let me die”, why can’t you stop interfering and leave me to die “,” I hate you I hate you just leave me to die” She eventually succeeded another way when I was 19 and had left home.
I do believe my siblings had it just as bad but in the interest of keeping to the point that’s another story.
So you get the idea that my home life was less than normal and of course when I met my now ex husband I thought this was it I’m out of here
I met my husband to be out riding on my horse he was a soldier thought I was in love.
So against his better judgement and to save face in the family I had a double wedding with my eldest sister.
So I left home gathered up my belongings and moved into an army quarter and so it began.
The first week of my marriage on my 18th birthday we had a row and he smashed all my things and punched me straight in the face burst my nose I might add he boxed for the army team middleweight so when he punched you did damage.
Now you’re thinking it’s not too late go home! Well I couldn’t go home there was nothing there for me my Dad would never let me go home so I was stuck.
Months went by and nothing happened I thought that was it I got pregnant again I had lost the first baby there was a slim chance I’d loose this one too.
I was 6 months pregnant I don’t remember what the row was about and the exact words but I was sat in the bedroom when he dragged me out by my hair in his hand he has his 22 air rifle he flung me across the room into the bed put the gun the my head and fired ……the gun jammed when that happened he threw it dragged me out the room punched me full in the stomach and threw me down the stairs.
He took me to hospital and dumped me there and left. I was monitored for 48 hours and left bereft wondering what the hell happened baby was ok I had to go home .
He was sorry all the apologies the tears begged me to stay ……and I did I stayed.
There was bits in between but I shall stick to the point .The battalion moved and we ended up in Tidworth , my heart sank I was in the middle of nowhere in a Garrison town there was no going back now.
And so it continued the beatings smashing up my home there was a poignant moment you see when I realised I had nowhere to go, it happened like this;
One night he’d blacked out in temper he stared punching me in the face to this day I don’t even know if it was once or twice, all I remember is blood and the pain and then realising he had no idea did he so I said to him” I’m going to take dog for a walk” he replied “yeah see you in a bit” I fled to my friends house who was also someone I worked with I hadn’t seen my face I just got out. The first thing she did after the shock of seeing me was to put me in front of a mirror.
I was shocked the person that stared back had no side to their face nothing like looked like my face I went to hospital the fished around to find my eyeball he had cracked my cheekbone and broke my nose I had a bruise down to the bottom of my neck . My Dad came down and when I asked to go home my Dad said I could go home but I could only stay for two weeks and then I had to find somewhere else to live. It was that moment that I realised that I had nowhere to go ….so I stayed.
Shortly after this my Mum committed suicide a highly planned operation she made sure this time that none of us would save her.
He beat me up a few times after that had a knife to my throat , tried to strangle me , he cut my hair off once And on two other occasions he tried to shoot me . He smashed my head against a door and gave me concussion, he also raped me on countless times I forgotten how many I fought back a few times but inevitably I was the only one that got hurt so I stopped after a while no one was coming to save me and if he killed me in the process who would know?
I broke my fingers and my knuckles in the last and first time I stood up to him just before I left. The row came when he admitted to cheating on me with over 120 women.
He did the decent thing thou as we were in Belfast and he arranged for me to come back to England and a house to stay in until I got myself sorted. And then the rest is history I have scars, my left hand I can’t use that properly and I can no longer have children.
I had an accident 2 years ago and lost my finger made the whole thing worse but the final blow came when I was diagnosed with Ménière’s disease it seems the cause was too many blows to my head that I sustained over the years caused frontal lobe damage an imbalance in my ears and some other problems, the first attack I had, I had no idea what was happening to me I laid unconscious for ten hours vomiting and the room spinning wondering if I was going to die! I can’t describe how devastated I was when I was told I had this, its life changing no cure and managed by medication.
Since being diagnosed I manage very well with medication and I have a good prognosis.
So where am I now, Its been 5 years since my initial diagnosis of menieres I have since enrolled into the Police Service where I have been working for the past 5 years in a paid and a voluntary role. I still have attacks randomly and now as a result it has started to affect my hearing I suffer from constant tinnitus sometimes it’s so loud I can’t even hear the TV. I still have nightmares that don’t seem to go away it got better but every now and then something triggers me off and I remember that that actually happened. But I’m very determined that this is not going to stop me doing what I want to do . Coping and staying fit is an on going battle I have some good days and some really bad ones migraines that can last up to 2 weeks at a time as I’ve already mentioned constant tinnitus my hearing is going in my right ear I’ve been told the more attacks I have the more impact there will be on my hearing I’ve only just took a hearing test at the hospital and I will know more when I return for another round of tests in 4 months time and if I am eligible for a hearing aid. I have also prolapsed two discs in my spine last year but that hasn’t stopped me either I did say I was very determined didn’t I ha-ha.
I have ran London Marathon twice now in 2014 and 2015 runs to date this year alone are 3 marathons London 2015 , Brighton 2015 and Race for life marathon 2015 and then 6 half marathons I started out raising money for Refuge Charity as a part of RunningforRefuge team.
Since then I have been raising money for CRuK as part of Ironcoppers team which is close to my heart now from loosing my beautiful step mum recently to cancer.
Three police forces have so far used my blog for their domestic violence campaigns one even in the USA.
I am now very honoured to be part of SODA, Survivors of Domestic Violence 6 years in the making by Sam Billingham this is going to be a very exciting year for me I am an advisor on the advisory board we are only just starting out. To be asked to be part of this I don’t even have the words to tell you it has always been my aim to help as many people as I can that have suffered or are currently suffering domestic violence and raise awareness so this is like a massive light bulb lighting up for me I aim to run a marathon to raise funds for SODA next year so watch this space!
sammieb1980 